


The truth is what you believe in

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/M, Family, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Gender doesn't work the same for dwarves, Genderqueer Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, gender swap, surprisingly there's no incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 09:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ori had always been a shy girl, but with some help from friends and family, the young dwarf learns to be a shy boy instead, and finds it a lot easier to deal with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have this huge AU where Gender Doesn't Work Like That for dwarves and hobbit (and elves, though we might not see much of them) and this is the first part of it.  
> Mostly written because Ori is a precious baby.  
> And I got sidetracked while writing that first chapter, because I started having emotions about Dori and Nori, sorry.

If Ori had been given any choice, she knew she'd never have chosen Kili as her friend. But there had been no choice possible. There were three dwarflings in that part of Ered Luin, not a single one more, and of these, Ori and Kili were the only girls. If Kili even counted as a girl, that was. At barely twenty five, it was obvious to everyone that when she would come of age, she would be called a prince rather than a princess.

Ori was nothing like Kili. She was shy, and soft, and well-spoken, though she spoke little as a rule. She liked quiet games, and drawing. She rather liked being on her own too, though that was mostly because she was used to it anyway. Nori was never home, Dori had to work to feed them both, and her mother... She didn't _have_ a mother. Or if she did, then she didn't know her. Dori would not speak of her, but the subject made her sad, it was obvious. Ori had tried asking Nori once. He hadn't answered. So Ori was home alone when her siblings were busy, but it was fine, she was a clever girl, she knew how to keep quiet and not do anything dangerous, and she didn't mind at all, really.

But when she had turned twenty, the Lady Dis had come to visit them, and had asked Dori if Ori could be educated with her daughter.

"It would be good for Kili to have someone her age to play," the Lady Dis explained. "A _girl_ her age. It will teach her to... be more delicate, if nothing else. And I think it would be good for Ori too. I understand that both you and your brother work?"

"Ori doesn't mind staying alone," Dori said defensively. "She's a smart lass, she knows what she can and can't do when I'm not here."

"But you have little time to educate her. She could share Kili's masters. Balin is teaching my daughter to read, he won't mind teaching your sister too. Even if she doesn't mind being alone, it has to be boring after a while."

"But she could get ideas, if she spends time with royalty," Dori protested. "We're not... we are distantly related to you, my Lady, but the distance is great enough to make the relation non-existent, and I would not want my sister to be disappointed when she discovers she's a good deal less than her friend."

Dis let out a joyless laugh at that. "We're not royalty. We haven't been since the dragon came. Kili is no princess. And both girls need a friend, so give it a try, at least. Just for a few months, or a few years, and then I promise you I will find Ori a master and have her trained in any trade she chooses. Kili needs a friend. You sister needs to get out of this house. When was the last time she's _talked_ to people?"

"I take good care of my sister, my lady!"

"Then do the right thing for her, and let her come. A month, Dori. A _month_ and if it doesn't work, you can lock her up inside again, if you wish to."

"A month. Because you are our princess. But if Ori is unhappy, or if I think this isn't proper, then it stops."

Dis nodded, and thanked her. After the princess had left, Dori had explained to his sister that she leave home for a while, to be taught all sorts of things. Ori had burst into tears.

"Don't wanna be sand 'way," she sobbed. "Don't wanna. Wanna stay home! Be good! Ah won't eat the cookies 'gain!"

"So you did eat them," Dori sighed. "And here I thought Nori had come again while we were at the market."

"Sorry. Won't do 'gain. Don't send 'way."

"I'm not sending you away, jewel," Dori said, bending down to take her sister in her arms. "You'll come back every night. You'll make friends too. There's another little girl there, the same age as you. You'll play with her, and learn all sorts of new things."

"Don't wanna. Stay."

"It's a great chance that's given to you, jewel. It will be good for you." Dori sighed, her sister still sobbing in her arms. Only one way to convince her then, though it was nothing to please her. "Nori would want you to go."

Ori calmed down so quickly it made Dori cringe. The way that girl _adored_ their idiot brother, it should not have been allowed. Good thing Nori usually had the senses not to be home, or she'd end up turning bad under his guidance. And maybe, just for that, Dori had been right to accept Lady Dis's offer. Good luck to Nori if he tried to pervert their sister while she was in the royal family.

And with that thought in mind, she forced a smile.

"Come on Ori, we need to find you a nice dress. Can't have you playing with a princess dressed like that, hm? We'll find you something pretty."

"Puple!"

"Purple, if you want. And I'll have to finish that scarf I was making you."

* * *

 

Ori didn't like the Durin's house. She didn't like the room she was in. She didn't like her new dress. She didn't like that Dori had said goodbye and left her with people she didn't know. She didn't like Balin. She didn't like the Lady Dis. And more than anything, she really, really didn't like Kili.

The little princess scared her. She was loud, and she kept moving everywhere, screaming and jumping and kicking, and she never listened to anything the grown-ups said, and she wanted to play all sorts of game that Ori did not know, rather than to sit somewhere and draw.

"Ye're not funny," Kili accused her when lunch time arrived. "Ye're not funny at all. I don't want ye. Want _Fili_. He's fun. I can play _fight_ with him."

"S'rry. Don't play fight. Hurt."

"Ye're really no fun,' Kili grumbled, before running to her mother. "Mom, take her _away_! She ain't fun, I don't like her. I want Fili! _Now_!"

"Fili is with your uncle, and you shouldn't talk like that about Ori," Dis scolded her. "She's not used to see other children, she's a little shy. Aren't you, Ori?"

The young dwarling shook her head. Shy was bad. Nori said shy was bad. So she wasn't shy. She just wanted to cry and go home and never be near anyone else again, because this was too scary. But then, Dis smiled at her, and gave her a small cake that was so full of honey it stuck to her fingers, and Ori thought she could maybe stay a little longer.

"What would do you like to do?" Dis asked her. "You girls have tried to play Kili's way this morning, maybe this afternoon you should try to do something _you_ enjoy, to see if that works better. Would you like that?"

It was a good enough idea, so Ori nodded, licking her cake. It was a good cake. She'd never tasted anything like it before.

"So tell us, what do you like doing?"

"Draw. Got slate. Got chalk. Draw."

"Then we'll try to see if anything could be arranged. Now girls, let's eat. Gili cooked us some rabbit today."

It was a nice meal, with more meat than Ori had ever seen had once. Everyone got to have a bit of it too, and Ori was given a full leg. All to herself. And no one forced her to eat any greens, but there were not that many, anyway. Instead there were chips. Chips were _nice_ and full of salt and _nice_.

And once they were done eating, Dis found them some nice pieces of slate, and many huge bits of chalk, and told them to draw something nice. It had pleased Ori. She always drew nice things. Flowers like in their garden, or their house, or her sister and her. Dori always said it was nice. Nori was too busy to look at them, but she was sure he'd find them nice if he had the time.

This time, she decided to try something different. She still didn't like being there, but the Lady Dis had been kind, and the cakes had been delicious, so she decided to draw both. But just as she had finished the beard and was starting the dress, Kili came to sit right next to her. Instinctively, Ori tried to hide her drawing with her arm

"What're ye drawin'?" the young princess asked. "Looks like a Norc. You shoudn't draw Norcs. They're bad."

"Not Orc. Lady."

“Ye drew my mommy? She don't look like that, she don't got that much beard!”

“Bad?”

“Yeah, bit bad. And she got more hair than that, and no breasties. Why did you give her breasties?”

It took a while to Ori to understand what breasties could be. It wasn't a word Dori ever used, and ot was used for a thing she never talked about anyway.

“Girl,” she explained in the end. “Breasties.”

“My mommy ain't got breasties. She's a boy mommy, and my da is a girl daddy, so he got the breasties. Does yer mommy have breasties?”

“No mommy. Just Dori. Sister.”

“Everyone got a mommy!” Kili protested. “And why d'ye talk like a wee babe, eh? Ye're as big as me, mommy says. Ye should talk like a big girl, or people will think ye're a babe, and they'll make fun of ye.”

“Dori ain't make fun.”

“She's yer sister, course she ain't making fun. But others won't be nice like her. Ye gotta learn and talk big. Or else you ain't gonna ever have friends, 'cause no one want baby friends.”

Ori shrugged, feelings tears coming.

“Don't wanna friends.”

Kili let out a loud gasp at that, and she jumped on Ori to hug her tightly.

“Ye can't say that, we're friends now! Mommy said ye gonna be my friend, 'cause Fili ain't gonna be home for long, 'cause he's with uncle. Ye gotta be my friend. I don't wanna be 'lone.”

“Not friend. Say I no fun. You not friend.”

Kili only hugged her tighter, until Ori almost couldn't breathe.

“Sorry I was mean!” the young princess whined. “Won't do it again! Please be my friend, and stay her, 'cause I hate it being alone, and it ain't fun to not have anyone to play, and I won't ever be mean again. Please, please, _please_!”

“Le'go! It hurt!”

Kili held her a few seconds more, then let go and stepped away with tears in her eyes.

“Sorry I was mean,” she repeated. “Please be my friend. Until Fili's back? Then if ye don't wanna be friend no more, then I'll leave ye alone, but please be my friend now? I'll be nice and I'll play nice and ye can draw my mommy with a beard if ye want and I won't say nothing!”

Ori hesitated. She didn't like Kili, who was loud and pushy and always complaining. But in stories, people had friends, at that was nice. And in one story, there were two people that weren't friend at all at first, but then they had to go on an adventure and spent a lot of time together and in the end they became friends, and it was nice. Maybe it would work for Kili and her. In any case, she'd probably get more honey cakes, and Dis had given them a lot of chalk. Maybe she could try.

“Yes. Now friend. Fili come back, not friends. Yes.”

At that, Kili had smiled widely, and to thank Ori she had decided to draw her something, and though she drew awfully, it was nice to be given something by a friend.

* * *

  
  


It took Ori a while to get used to Kili, but after a week or two, the little princess wasn't so bad. Loud and hyperactive, yes, but rarely mean as long as she wasn't throwing a tantrum. Those did happen more often than Ori would have liked, but as they usually worked fairly well, she understood why Kili did it. Dis was a nice woman, but she had a lot to do, and that left her little time to deal with her daughter, especially once the girl started screaming and yelling because she wanted a cake or a new toy. It was often easier to give in than to wait for Kili to calm down. Gili, Dis's husband, was home whenever he could and often took care of traditionally feminine tasks such as cooking to help his wife, but he too had little time to give to anyone. He ran an important business, organizing trade with the humans around, and he would often have to leave for days.

In the end Kili, and with her Ori, were often left to Balin, who had more time for them than the others. But he was meant to teach them things, and Kili didn't like that. She felt she already knew all there was to be known. More often than not, she'd just run out of the kitchen-turned-classroom and not come back until it was dark.

At least, she did before Ori arrived. Things had quickly changed when Kili had discovered that her friend knew nothing at all, and could not even read her own name written in runes. It had shocked both the princess and their tutor.

“Has your sister never tried to teach you?” Balin asked when he realized it.

Ori shook her head. She had wanted to learn for a long time, fascinated by the idea that paper and stone could keep words safe for ever, but Dori had been forced to sell her last books long before Ori would even think of learning. She could have borrowed one from a friend, probably, but Dori had few friends, and never the time and energy to start such a task. She worked as a miner, because it was the only thing she had found, and Ori knew they were lucky she had even found that. At least, that was what Dori always told Nori.

Not that Ori could explain that, of course. She felt that her siblings didn't want anyone to know how difficult things could be for them at times.

“Well, we'll just have to take care of that now,” Balin just said with a kind smile, and he showed her the runes in her name, and helped her draw them.

When she came home that night, and showed Dori how she could draw the runes almost perfectly right, her sister was very impressed, and congratulated her, and joked that soon enough she would write so well she could write a letter to Nori.

It was all the motivation Ori needed. After that, she set to work, copying letter after letter until she could do every single one perfectly. She was disappointed when, after a few weeks, she knew all her runes but realized she still couldn't write a letter to her brother, because she didn't know how to order them to make words and sentences.

And when Kili offered to do it for her, the little princess finally earned Ori's frienship. Not that Kili was a lot better at it than her at writing, but she could read a little, and that helped, apparently. At the end of the day, and with some help from Balin, they had a perfectly nice letter ready for Nori.

Ori waited to be home alone with Dori to ask her to send it to their brother, and from the look on her sister's face, one would have thought she had said she loved orcs or some horror of the sort.

“Why would you write to him? He won't answer you. The Maker knows I'll be surprised if he even comes back home this time. It's been over a year since his last visit, you shouldn't hope too much.”

“Miss him,” Ori whispered. “Miss him lots. Write him. Then, he comes back. Miss him lots!”

“Of course you do, jewels,” Dori sighed, taking her sister in her arms. “But Nori's a busy dwarf, and he has a life full of... adventures. And all adventures don't end well, jewel. Ask Balin to read you some sagas, and you'll learn all about what happens to dwarves like your brother.”

Ori nodded, and when Dori offered to make her some apple pie, she momentarily forgot about everything else. But the next day, she asked Balin about sagas. It turned out most people in these died, and often in a very horrific way. It made Ori cry to think that her brother could also know such a fate, but she was more determined than ever to send him her letter, and so Balin took care of it for her.

Dori was the first surprised when Nori answered the letter. She was furious at first that Ori had still written to him, but the girl pleaded until she read to her what their brother said. It was not much, in the end. Nori was as vague as ever, but he said things were well for him, and that he would try to come soon, that he was proud of Ori for knowing how to write, and that he would make sure to bring her a nice present at his next visit.

Dori told her sister not to count too much on that, but Ori didn't listen. Her brother had said he'd be back, and she knew he'd keep his promise.

* * *

 

Nearly a year passed, and all was well. Ori liked Kili more and more. The little princess still gave no sign of acting like a girl, but she was much calmer now, and didn't shout nearly as much as she used to. She even agreed to play quiet games sometimes, for Ori's sake, and she didn't complain too much about it. On her side, Ori didn't mind as much when they played more active games. She still would not play fight, but things like hide and seek or tag where fine, and she was starting to rather enjoy it.

Sometimes, Kili would get sad because she missed her brother, and it made Ori sad, because she also missed hers. She'd received two more letters from Nori, much to Dori's annoyance, and in both he promised he would soon come home. But that had been three months ago, and there were still no news of him. On the other hand, Fili was supposed to come back soon, and it made Kili both excited and very upset, for some reason. It took the young princess days to explain why she kept having such mood swings, and the explanation was rather agreeable, in the end.

“Ye said we'd be friend till Fili was back,” she had whined. “And now he'll be back, and ye won't want me no more. And that's sad, 'cause I like ye, and I want us to stay friends.”

Ori had been surprised. She had entirely forgotten about that.

“I'll still be your friend,” she had promised. “If you still want to play with me.”

“Of course I will! Fili's just my brother. _Ye_ are my _friend_ , it's a lot much better than a brother! And with you to help me, we're gonna annoy him lots, ye'll see!”

* * *

  
  


Thorin and Fili arrived one cold spring morning, one day earlier than everyone expected. Dori has just dropped Ori for the day, and Dis complained to her brother that she had nothing ready for him, that Gili wasn't back from his current business trip, and more generally she fussed around her brother and her son, which they both seemed to enjoy. As for Kili, she had jumped on her brother as soon as she'd seen him, she kissed him on both cheeks, and then climbed in her uncle's arms, looking as if she had no intention of ever going back on the ground. They all seemed very happy.

It made Ori a little awkward, seeing them all like that. Her family was never so... _familial_. Young she might have been, but she stupid she wasn't, and she knew Dori and Nori didn't get along very well. She had rather assumed that it was the normal way between adult siblings (the rules were clearly different with children, since they were both very affectionate toward her). But Dis and Thorin seemed... genuinely happy to be together in the same room, and to enjoy _talking_ even.

“And who is that one?” Thorin asked as his sister served him breakfast, looking at Ori who blushed. “She's too big to have been born while I was away.”

“That's our little Ori. She's Kili's friend, and they study together. Come here, Ori, come and say hello to Thorin. He is my brother, and Kili's uncle, I'm sure we've told you about him?”

The girl nodded at that, and made a quick curtsey, because Dori had taught her how to do it just in case such a situation arose, but she did not move.

“Shy one, isn't she?” Thorin said with a grin. “I'm surprised she survives with Kili. I hope you are nice to your friend, lass?”

“Of course I am, uncle! She's the bestest friend I've ever had, and I love her, and when I grow up I'll marry her because then she'll stay with me for always!”

That made Ori blush, and she lowered her head in embarrassment, thus missing the way Fili was now glaring at her.

“Well, we'll see later about weddings,” Thorin laughed. “But it's good that you have a nice friend, and I'm sure she must feel part of the family, hm?”

“No I don't!” Ori cried, horrified. “I promise I know me place! Dori said, I'm not at all a princess, and I'll never be one, and I can't act like one. I _swear_ I don't feel part of the family!”

They all stared at her at that, Thorin looking surprised, Kili hurt and Dis worried.

“Ori, darling, don't put yourself in such a state,” said Dis, walking to her and taking her in her arms. “We all like you very much. We want you to feel like you're part of the family. After all, you are our cousin, darling.”

“But Dori said I shouldn't! She'll be _angry_!”

“No she won't, darling. Family is more than blood, it is the people you love and care about, and both Kili and I love you a lot, and so do Balin and Gili. We're your family just as much as Dori, darling, do you understand that?”

Ori sniffed a little, but nodded. Dis smiled warmly.

“Now, how about I give you a nice cake? No reason why these boys should be the only ones to get treats. And if you're very good and play nicely with Kili and Fili, I'll make chips for lunch, yeah?”

Both Ori and Kili yelled in joy at that. The little princess jumped from her uncle's arms and ran first to her brother, whose hand she grabbed, then to Ori, whom she caught too, and she pulled the other two out of the kitchen and into the garden, already planning some mad game they could play at.

* * *

  
  


For all that Kili had promised that she would still want to play with Ori, it soon became clear that she rather preferred her brother's company. In the week that followed Fili's return, Ori was left behind every time they had some free time to play, forgotten as easily as if she had never existed.

Not that Ori blamed her. The two siblings got along terribly well, after all. They were similar, and liked the same games, had the same sort of personality (though Kili was calmer, Ori liked to think) and, of course, they had been around each other all their life. That must have helped a lot, she supposed. It must have been nice to have always a sibling to play with you. Ori was rather jealous of them, to be honest.

Not that she would have dared to complain, of course. She was already very lucky, Dori often told her so. There were not many dwarflings these days that got to have a master and to learn their letters, and Balin was one of the wisest dwarves in all of Ered Luin, and she got to eat great food every day, and to meet very important people. She was lucky. She had no right to be sad, just because her only friend didn't like her any more.

So when one day, as they were playing hide and seek and Fili found her and told her that she shouldn't try to play with them but should keep to her drawings, she did not cry. It wasn't easy, especially once Dori came to pick her up and they walked home, but she didn't cry, and did her best to not even look sad. How Dori still managed to notice something was beyond her, because _Kili_ certainly hadn't seen anything when they had left.

“Did the princelings play you any mean trick?” her sister worried. “I told the Lady Dis that these two together would be too much for you to handle, that they would be too loud. Maybe you need a break of some sort, some time alone at home...”

“No! I like it there, there's always chips, and Master Balin shows me pretty books, and... I'll try to be more good, I swear!”

“You haven't done anything bad, jewel,” Dori sighed. “But if they are mean to you, you must tell me, and I'll...”

Dori froze on the spot, and Ori bumped into her. Surprised, the girl followed her sister's gaze, and let out a small gasp. There was light coming out from the windows at home. It could mean only one thing.

Nori was _back_.

Forgetting all her troubles, Ori let out a squeal of joy and started running toward the small house. Behind her, Dori first ordered and then begged her to stop right there, sounding mad with fear, but Ori didn't care and kept going. Nori was back. Her brother was back. Nothing else in the world mattered.

And indeed, when she rushed through the door, Nori was there, sitting at the table, cleaning one of his knives, just like he often did, as if he had never left at all. He barely had time to put away his weapon before he found himself with a small dwarfling on his lap, hugging him and kissing him and crying from joy.

Nori chuckled and ruffled her hair. “Hey there, jewel! Missed me?”

Ori nodded, too happy to say a word.

“I missed you too, my lovely. And look how big you've grown while I was gone! You're almost a lady now, aren't you?”

“I can read and write!” Ori squeaked. “And I can draw flowers!”

“An accomplished lady, then,” Nori corrected with a grin. “Well, I knew that of course, since you sent me letters. I still got them. Precious as gold they are, letters from my little jewel.”

It made Ori feel all warm and happy to know that Nori had kept her letters. She had kept his too, of course, but that was different. _She_ missed Nori. _He_ was never home, never for long, so he must not have loved her too much. But she was still glad to have him around, whenever he could stand it.

But suddenly, the young girl felt herself be torn away from her beloved brother by strong arms. Dori had joined them at last, and she wasn't pleased.

“Why did you run like that?” she yelled at Ori, holding her tight against her chest. “I told you to wait for me!”

“But Nori...”

“But _nothing_ , you didn't know who it was, you had no way to know! It could have been anyone, it could have been a _thief_ for all you know!”

Ori didn't notice the way Nori tensed at that, nor how his eyes narrowed as he glared at Dori. What the little one did notice was that her sister was holding her so tight she could barely breathe, a sure sign that she was more worried than really angry.

“Well, it _wasn't_ a thief,” Nori said coldly, “only _me_. I am still allowed to be here, aren't I?”

“After five years, I rather thought you didn't _want_ to be here,” Dori almost spat at him.

“Business is quiet these days, and the little one wrote to say she wanted me. Could hardly refuse her that, could I? Not when she took the pain to contact me.”

At that, Dori pushed Ori away, grabbing her wrist.

“You _wrote_ to him? Why? _When_?”

“Twice this winter, and I got one more in spring,” Nori announced with a frown. “And I don't see why she should have to explain why she's writing to me. I'm her family as much as you are.”

“Don't pretend you're here for her, I know you better than that.”

“Apparently, you don't,” Nori said, walking toward them and tearing Ori away from their sister to take her in his arms. “I'm here for her and I'll stay as long as she wants me to. Now, jewel, I think you said you drew flowers? Let's have a look at those, hm?”

Ori nodded enthusiastically.

She had entirely forgotten all about Kili and Fili. Nori was _much_ better than either of them.

Later that night, as she was sleeping (well, supposed to sleep at least, but she had asked Nori to ask Dori if she could stay home with her brother the next day, and she needed to know, and it wasn't spying at all, really) she heard her siblings talk. Actually, properly talk, rather than try not to scream and yell at one another. She wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing.

She wasn't sure either if she liked what they were saying.

“I shouldn't leave you alone with her tomorrow,” Dori was grumbling. “You'll turn her into... into someone like _you_.”

“You can't always keep her from me, Do. She's mine as much as she's yours, and I want the best for her as much as you do. I'd never do anything to hurt her, you know that.”

“I don't know a thing about you! The _sea_ would be more trustworthy than you are. She doesn't need someone like you in her life, it's already hard enough like that, her having to grow up without proper parents.”

Ori, hidden in her room, on the side of the door, heard Nori shifting on his chair, as he did when he was angry at something.

“You _can't_ throw that to my face again, Do. It's not my fault if the girl doesn't have parents. _I_ didn't want for things to happen this way.”

“And I didn't want you to drag us into these things you do, so it was the only way to do it. Mahal help me, even like that it's bad, I constantly worry that your people are going to find us. I don't want people like that to get their hands on Ori. Just the idea of it...”

“I won't happen!” Nori cut her, sounding half furious and half terrified. “I'd rather _die_ than let that happen, you know that! I love her, Dori. The Maker knows I can't stand _you_ most of the time, but I love her, and I wouldn't let anyone harm her. I'd do anything to protect Ori.”

“Then leave, and never come back. It's the best you can do.”

Nori laughed joylessly. “Anything but that, Do. She's _mine_ as much as she's yours.”

* * *

 

When Ori woke up the next day, Dori was already gone and Nori was making breakfast for the two of them with a few things he'd found in the kitchen.

“It was hard to find anything to eat,” he grumbled as he tried not to burn some bacon. “Does Dori feed you well? Mahal help me, after all the times I've told her I would send money if she needed it...”

“Oh, I eat plenty! But usually, I eat with Kili rather than at home, so I think Dori doesn't buy many things for here.”

“Kili? Who would that be? Your writing master?”

Ori shook her head. “No, my Master is Balin! Kili is... well, she was my friend.”

Even with Nori back, she couldn't help be but a little sad that she would no longer be playing with Kili now. She had really like the princess, and Kili had promised they would still be friend, so it hurt a little, really. But she had no right to complain, of course. She was lucky.

“What's that sad face, jewel?” Nori asked, forgetting all about his bacon. “And why is that Kili girl no longer your friend? Did you have an argument with her?”

“Not really. She just got her brother back, and they don't need me 'cause I'm boring and I don't play fight.” Ori hesitated a moment. “Say, d'you think you could teach me to play fight? 'Cause Dori says you're good at fights, and if I got a bit better then I wouldn't be afraid of Fili no more, and then I could play again with Kili, and that'd be nice.”

Nori frowned at that, and it scared his sister. She didn't like it when Nori got serious. He almost looked like a different person when it happened, a person she wasn't sure she liked. He would get like that sometimes, when Dori and him had an argument, and Ori would run away because she didn't want to ever see that other side of her brother.

But this time, Nori quickly calmed down, and he removed the bacon from the fire before he came to kneel down next to his youngest sister, a grin on his face.

“Well, jewel, Dori's right for once. I am good at fighting, and I can teach you to win most fight you'll ever get in. Now, That Fili, is it a boy or a girl? 'Cause winning against a boy, now that's one easy thing to do, my lovely.”

It was a very instructive day, in the end. Nori was as good a teacher as Master Balin, though their areas of expertise were incredibly different. Nori made his sister promise that she wouldn't tell Dori what they had been doing, and she agreed. Ori couldn't help but feel her sister wouldn't have approved of the skills she was learning, no matter how fun and useful they were.

The two following days were spent in a similar fashion, and Ori felt happier than she had ever been, getting to spend so much time with her brother and having so much fun with him. It had not been as nice, last time he had visited. She must have been too young, or him not in the right mood, but she remembered it had not been as much fun as this, as learning to fight and defend herself and to insult.

She really liked learning insults, though she knew she'd be in terrible trouble if she ever used them near Dori or Lady Dis or Master Gili or Master Balin.

She was perfectly allowed to use them with Fili though. Nori had promised he'd take care of everything if anyone try to scold her for _that_.

On the fourth day, Ori had to go back to Lady Dis's house, because Dori felt that it would be bad for her to take too long a break from her studies. Ori felt that her sister also didn't like the way Nori and her were always laughing together at things only they understood, and that this bothered Dori more than the fact she could forget how to read and write, but she didn't complain. She wanted to go back there anyway. After all Nori had shown her, she was quite impatient to see Fili again and to prove that she had every right to be Kili's friend.

After a three day separation, Kili was delighted to see Ori again, and even more so when she learned that Nori had come home. They had talked of him sometimes, when Ori missed him too much, and the little princess was glad that they finally both had their brothers back.

“D'ye know how long he'll be there this time?” Kili asked. “Ye said he don't stay for long each time.”

Ori nodded at that. “He said he'll be here long this time. Maybe even until the end of autumn! And he said maybe he'll come take me home one night, or he'll bring me in the morning, or I'll get to stay home with him again, if Dori agrees.”

“But ye'll still come here most days, right?” Kili worried. “It's no fun if ye're not here. Fili only ever wants to play fight and tell stories of the things he did with uncle, and that ain't as much fun as being with ye. I wanna draw today, can ye draw me a flower? And I'll draw ye something ye want, and then we'll draw something for yer brother and that'll make him happy and he'll let you come play with me!”

Ori nodded again, a wide smile on her small face. Kili took her hand, and they walked together toward the kitchen to join Balin for their lesson. Their Master wasn't there yet, so they just sat at the table and started drawing and chatting cheerfully. Ori was making a pretty rose for Kili, who in return was drawing Ori as a strong warrior with a big sword and an armor. The younger girl was trying to find a way to protest that she wasn't sure she wanted to be a warrior. Even with all that Nori had shown her, it wasn't something that she liked much.

But before she could say a thing, Fili joined them in the kitchen, looking as if he'd just woken up (and he probably had, Ori thought, lazy boy that he was). As usual, he pushed Ori's chair to the side, installed himself right between his sister and her friend.

“I was there first!” Ori complained weakly. Just saying something was more than she'd ever done against Fili, and she was already regretting it. She had no right, she was lucky just to be there, he was Kili's brother, he had every right to want to be with her...

“ _I_ was here first,” Fili answered haughtily. “I'm her family, you're just a stupid kid that mom used so that Kee wouldn't feel too alone when I'm not here. But I'm here now, so we don't need you no more. So you should leave us alone, because we have no use for you now.”

“But Kili's my friend, and we wanted to draw together...”

“Yeah, I sort of did want that,” Kili agreed, sounding worried. “And she is my friend, and I wanna play with her...”

“Well, you shouldn't,” her brother decided. “She's just... she's just a nobody, and everyone knows she ain't got parents, and that her brothers and her are just _bastards_.”

Sitting on a chair turned out to be a very good place to be when you wanted to kick someone between the legs, because you didn't have to worry about keeping your balance and all the things Nori had said to mind when you fought. So Ori kicked. Hard. And then for good measure, as Fili was still screaming in pain, she punched him, with her thumb outside of her fist, just like Nori had shown her. It still hurt her hand, just as her brother had warned it might, but it was worth it.

No one called her siblings _bastards_.

It wasn't their fault if they didn't have parents.

So you didn't insult Dori and Nori, you just _didn't_.

And what if Lady Dis and Master Balin were angry at her after, punishing her and scolding her and swearing they would tell Dori about it? She knew that Nori would be proud of her, and Kili slipped some chips in her plate at lunch, even though she wasn't supposed to get any because she had been so bad. The little princess even held her hand most of the afternoon, while Balin told them tales of Durin the Deathless. Things didn't get much better than that.

* * *

  
  


But Dori was of a different mind. She had paled when the Lady Dis had told her what had happened, and promised the King's sister that Ori would never do anything like it again. She hadn't said a word during the trip home, but when the door had closed behind them, she had exploded.

“You hit the heir to the throne? Why would you ever do anything like this? Three days with that good for nothing of Nori, and you've forgotten all I've ever taught you? Why did you _do_ that, Ori?”

Not so proud of herself suddenly, the little one shrugged, feeling tears at the corner of her eyes.

“Did Nori tell you to do that? Is... Is this somehow _his_ fault? You must tell me, Ori!”

Alerted by the raised voices, Nori arrived from the kitchen, covered in flour and other substances. “What did I do now?”

“You have perverted an innocent girl, that's what you did!” Dori yelled. “Ori kicked a boy in the private parts this morning! Ori! _My_ Ori!”

“Oh, you did it then? Did he cry?”

Ori nodded shyly, and Nori let out a proud grin.

“That's my girl! We'll see if that little shit bothers you again now!”

“I knew you were behind it!” Dori spat in anger. “As soon as there's trouble, you're behind it! Do you want her to turn into you? Mahal, we're lucky they are still willing to let her learn with the princess after that. It's her one chance to have a proper education, Nori, and I won't let someone like you spoil it, just because you think it would be fun to have her act like a ruffian! I should send you away right now, and never let you come back...”

“It's not his fault!” Ori cried, panicked at the idea of never seeing her brother again. “I asked him to show me how to fight, 'cause Fili was so mean all the time, and then... then this morning he called us all bastards, and that's not a nice thing to say at all! We're not bastards, we got a mum and dad somewhere, even if they're dead or gone, right?”

Her siblings fell silent at that, and she couldn't ignore the way they were both avoiding her eyes. Well, it was no surprise. She's heard the Lady Dis talk to her husband and Balin, once, about how they were sure that Dori's dad had died in Erebor, and they hadn't even know her mother had survived, but she must have since there were three of them now.

Ori also knew that they didn't really look the same, the three of them. Dori's hair was mostly grey now, but the little colour left in it was dark, whereas both Ori and Nori had more of a gingery shade. And that was just the most obvious. They just didn't look like siblings, not the way Fili and Kili did, or the Lady Dis and Thorin.

“Do I really have a mum and dad?” Ori asked softly. “Everyone got them, but I've never seen them and you never say anything. Do I have them, or am I a bastard?”

“You're not a bastard, jewel!” Nori protested, dropping to his knees and pulling her to him. “You're our little sister, our precious little girl. And maybe your... our dad wasn't the best dwarf around, and he couldn't stay to take care of his family, but he loves you a lot, and if he ever heard that anyone's calling you a bastard he'd come and gut them right there and then, prince or not. Okay?”

“But why didn't he stay then?”

“Mother and him didn't get along that well,” Dori explained, looking away. “They were both very happy to have you, and they both loved you very much, but that was not enough to make them love each other. But don't you worry about them, jewel. You may not have parents, but you've got us, and we'll protect you and love you better than any mother or father ever could.”

“Even if I kicked the prince?”

Dori chuckled and went down too, joining her sibling's hug. “Yes, even now we love you, jewel. But you must promise me next time anyone is bothering you, you'll talk to me before you start hitting them. We are civilized dwarves here, and we talk about our problems before we try to turn people into eunuchs, is that clear?”

“Yes. I'm sorry. Won't do again. I'll say sorry to Fili again, tomorrow.”

“Excellent idea. And now, I can't say for sure, but I believe I smell apple pie somewhere. Now I don't like to praise your brother's cooking, it gives him ideas, but it would be a shame to let a delicious pie go to waste, wouldn't it?”

Ori smiled, and nodded cheerfully.

She didn't mind being a bastard, and Dori was right: her sister and brother were worth any parents in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> growing up is never easy. Having a body that doesn't do what you want it to do certainly doesn't help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: gender dysphoria (or body dysphoria I'm not sure which one is supposed to be used sorry D:) (in any case, a character has serious issues with their body)

That year, Nori had stayed until the end of autumn, just as he had promised. When he left, as the first snows arrived, he promised that he'd be back in spring. He didn't of course, but he sent many letters, and Ori kept them all.

Some years, he'd come back, and spend a few weeks with them, or a few month if business had been particularly good. Others, they would just get letter, sometimes a parcel with a book or a dress for Ori. But there would always be news from him, one way or another, and even Dori started smiling when they received a letter, though she was still as quick to fight with him when he was actually present.

And since the Awesome Kick Incident, as Kili dubbed it, Ori didn't have as much trouble with Fili. He was still obviously annoyed that he had to share his sister's attention with anyone, but he no longer tried to separate them, and on some occasions, he even attempted to be friendly with her. But he never came too close to her, just in case, and it made Kili and Ori laugh.

They grew up together, slowly, getting a little closer every day, until Ori thought of Kili as her sister as much as a friend. She couldn't remember what her life had been before she met the princess, and she didn't want to imagine a life without her.

Not that things were always easy. Kili still had a quick temper, and though with Ori's help she had learned to keep it in touch, some things could trigger her anger in the blink of an eye. For example, the fact that when they turned forty, people started calling her a boy. It was not much at first, strangers who didn't know her made the mistake, and she was always quick to correct them. As she liked to point out, she wore a dress most of the time, and that was usually a sure sign of femaleness.

It became more difficult to justify her attachment to being called a girl when Kili started learning how to fight, and was encouraged to wear trousers. She really _did_ look like a boy then, though Ori never said it aloud for fear it would hurt her friend. And she couldn't do that, not when Kili's own _family_ was starting to treat her as a boy.

“They're all so stupid,” Kili grumbled one day, after a heated argument with her mother. “All of them, why can't they see I'm a girl?”

“You do... behave and dress a bit like a boy,” Ori answered tentatively, keeping her eyes on the book she was reading. “And there's no... shame in being an acting-man, you know. Your father's one, and your brother's Master...”

“Well, good for them, but I'm not one! I'm a girl! Can't I be a girl and still like to fight and climb trees and things like that? I want to be a hero, a girl hero!”

Still hiding behind her book, Ori frowned. Girls weren't heroes. That was the point of it. If you stayed at home and took care of the business (and the children if you had any) then you were a girl. If you knew how to handle weapons and protected your family and your people, then you were a boy. That was how things worked.

“Girls can't be heroes,” she said in the end. “Girls are great crafter and they make beautiful things, and that's how they get famous. They don't become heroes.”

“Then I'll be the first one to become one,” Kili grumbled. “But I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. Just like you.”

Ori shrugged. She didn't feel much like a girl, to be honest. She liked making beautiful things, but not in the trades that dwarves were supposed to have (she had talked to Dori once, about how she wanted to learn to write books. Her sister had said it wasn't what dwarves did, and Ori hadn't dared to insist) but she still longed to get out of the house and see the world, like Nori did. She had begged him to take her with him on one of his travels, but he had always refused, stating she was too young and it was too dangerous.

But at the same time, she was fairly sure she wasn't an acting-man either. She didn't care much for weapons. She had basic training in a few of them, mostly axes and war-hammers, and she could defend herself if she needed to, but she certainly did not enjoy training as much as Kili and Fili did. And great quests often seemed so pointless to her, she saw their heroism less than she saw the sheer stupidity of it all. She couldn't be a boy with such a state of mind, she knew that.

“I don't care what you are, and it just doesn't matter” she eventually told Kili. “It's who you are that matters, and who you are is my friend, now and for ever.”

“Easy for you to say. It's not _you_ who get called something you aren't. But I don't expect you to understand. No one understands.”

Ori didn't know what to answer to that, and so she didn't say anything. Instead, she promised herself to be very careful to never call Kili a boy, if it meant so much to her.

* * *

  
  


Not that Ori didn't haver her own problems, of course. Her body was starting to change in ways that she wasn't sure she always liked. She didn't mind that her beard was starting to grow, and waited eagerly to finally have a nice moustache, but other things weren't so easy. She had always been vaguely aware that adult females had a body that was different from that of young girls, with new bits added here and there, and a distinctive shape. But it was one thing to know that females had breasts, and quite another to see them growing on you.

She'd been proud at first. The little lumps of fat on her chest carried a message: she was growing up, soon she'd an adult. That meant Dori wouldn't treat her like a helpless baby any longer, and Nori would finally agree to take her on a trip with him.

But the lumps grew too fast and too big for her taste. Where at first they had been nearly invisible under her dress, they now preceded her everywhere she went, drawing more attention than she was comfortable with. Sometimes, dwarves four time her age would approach her at the market, just because they saw her body and assumed she was of age. Dori thought that was the reason why her sister tried to hide the things under huge cardigans and scarves that made her look shapeless, and she tried to reassure her.

“There's no shame in looking nice, jewel. All these people should be ashamed of the way they look at you like you're no better than meat, but that's no reason to hide. You are such a pretty girl, much prettier than I was at your age, and in a few years you'll have suitors as far as the eye can see!”

It didn't make Ori feel any better, but she'd still smile. She didn't want people to like her because of her body. Not when she wasn't sure she even wanted that body in the first place. She secretly envied Kili, whose body was still unchanged, but she never dared to speak of it. Kili had made no secret of the fact that she couldn't wait for her body to become like Ori's, and it wouldn't have been fair of Ori to say she didn't like these changes.

But while the breast had been bad enough, the bleeding was worse.

The first time it happened, she had yelled in horror after waking up to find blood on her bed, and Dori had rushed to her bedroom, sick with worry. Only, when Ori had calmed down and told her what had happened, her sister had looked proud.

“You're finally a woman!” Dori had said with a wide smile that had made Ori want to throw up. “At forty-six, that's a bit later than for me, I was starting to wonder when it would happen. Ah, well, I'll just tell the Lady Dis that you're staying home today, and probably for the rest of the week too. Ah, my sister is a woman at last!”

Ori had stared at her in horror.

“Are you saying this is _normal_?”

“Of course it is! Hasn't Balin ever told you how the female body works, with the cycles and the bleedings?”

Come to think of it, there had been that one occasion when Balin had sent Fili away from their little classroom, before trying to explain something to the girls, about the wonderful mysteries of their bodies, and something about babies and weddings and how they weren't supposed to think about that yet anyway. Ori and Kili hadn't paid too much attention to his words, far too busy noticing the way he was blushing and stammering and looking like he'd rather be fighting orcs than be standing in front of them.

Dori frowned when Ori told her that, and scolded her for not paying attention. She then proceeded to explain again what it was all about, and Ori had once again felt a little sick.

“It will happen _all the rest of my life_?”

“Every three or four month, yes, unless you are with child. It stops then.”

Thank the Maker for small mercies, Ori had bitterly thought.

“Isn't there some way to just... stop it from ever happening again?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Why would you ever want that?” Dori protested, shocked by that idea. “The bleeding is a proof that you may bear children, jewel. It is a good sign, though it may not always be agreeable, and you should endure it proudly, knowing you have the luck to be female. There are few enough of us after all, and it is a great honour that the Maker gave you a body that allows you to keep our race alive.”

Ori winced at that.

“Are you saying that I'll have to have children one day?”

“You make it sound like it's a bad things. Of course you'll have children one day, who wouldn't want them?”

“ _You_ never had children,” Ori pointed out.

And that was a mistake, of course. She knew that Dori's celibacy and lack of babies were something of a sore subject for her sister, she had understood that long ago, and didn't usually talk about it. But she was bleeding, and she was expected to one day have something grow inside her body like there was nothing more normal in the world, and it made her too sick and angry to care about anything else. And if it made Dori tense and hurt, well, that was for the best, because there was no reason why Ori should be the only one to suffer.

“I couldn't have children,” Dori said in a cold voice. “I had _you_ to take care of.”

“Well then, if you get to not have them, I don't see why I should. I got better things to do than that.”

“Are you saying you see no pride to be had in being a woman, in the raising of a child?” Dori asked, a warning edge on her voice.

“I'm just saying I'll leave it to someone else. It's not what I want in life, that's for sure. Children are... icky.”

And she knew what she was talking about. She'd seen enough of little Gimli, who lived in the next valley, to have decided that children weren't worth anyone's time.

“I'll pretend it's the pain talking,” Dori answered, her face hard and her voice cold. “A first bleeding is never easy. I'll prepare some herbs for you, in case your belly starts hurting too much. Keep to the bed as much as you can, and don't go outside. It'll all be over in a few days.”

“But...”

“We are done talking. I must go to work. I hope when I come back you will have thought about the stupid things you've just said, and that you've come back to your senses. Good-day.”

As soon as she had been alone, Ori had cried. It was all so unfair. She didn't want to bleed. She didn't want to have breasts. She really, definitively didn't want to ever have children.

In the afternoon, she decided to write to Nori. If anyone could understand that she didn't like the life that seemed to have been planned for her, then it was her brother.

When the answer came a few weeks later, Nori only said that he was proud for her, and that in a few years, she'd be happy to have children, like all females, and that if she didn't want to be a mother, she'd just have to force her nature a bit and become a father.

It felt like a betrayal.

* * *

  
  


As if it weren't bad enough that her body was doing all sorts of revolting things, everyone's attitude around her started to change. The most notable thing was probably that Kili and her were never left alone with Fili, for some reason. If the prince was there, then Balin or Dis or even Dwalin, his Master in weaponry, were there too. Ori didn't understand why at first, until Kili told her that since she was now a pretty girl, and one that bled, everyone was worried that she might fool around with Fili and get with child.

“I don't even _like_ Fili!”

“And he doesn't like you, as far as I can say, but you know how grown-ups are.”

Ori had nodded grimly. She was starting to notice that adults weren't always nice, and she didn't like it. But at least, she was still free to be around Kili as much as she wanted, and notice could change that.

Or so she thought.

Lady Dis's announcement that she had found a Master for Ori came as a bit of a shock to everyone. That said master was a human didn't help. That he was a human who specialized in copying books en illuminating them was almost enough to give Dori a heart attack.

“That's no craft for a dwarf!” she protested.

“But it's the perfect thing for Ori,” Dis had assured her. “We've tried to have her work in a forge, she's awful with metal of any sort. And she's no warrior, she'll never be. But she can write better than anyone I know, she has a way with words, and she can draw. It would be a shame to let it go to waste.”

“It's just not proper!”

“Just because you do not approve of it doesn't make it bad, Dori. And anyway, the lass is old enough to decide for herself, isn't she? You've told me yourself she's started bleeding, that makes her fit to choose her own path.”

“Yes, and she'll choose what's _right_.”

Dori and Dis had both turned toward Ori then, and the girl had blushed and wished the ground would open up and swallow her.

Her first instinct was to agree with Dori, and to refuse that undwarfly craft. Writing was fun and wonderful, but it was something for elves and humans. She couldn't do it, she shouldn't. It wasn't right. But then again, for Dori right meant becoming a silversmith or a goldsmith or a miner, and getting married to a male, be they man or woman, and to bear them children for the sake of the species, just because she'd been unlucky enough to be born with a womb. Or to “force her nature” as Nori had said, and to become a man, but still bear someone's children at the end of thing. That was right.

And it made Ori want to jump out of her skin, to claw at all the parts of her body that were wrong. She'd rather have died that to let this happen to her. Because maybe it was right to the rest of the world, but to her it felt wrong.

“I'll go to that human Master,” she said, raising her head, her voice trembling but her posture unyielding. “I want to learn how to make books. I've always wanted to, and if anyone tries to force me to learn something else, then I'll just run away and do business with the humans and the elves, like Nori does!”

Dori looked at her as if she had been slapped in the face. And it was just as bad as if she's hit her, Ori knew that. Just like she knew her brother wasn't running an honest business, and Dori knew she knew, though they never talked about it, as if it could change the fact that, under another name, Nori was a thief, as well as an assassin on some occasions, and probably some other things that Ori would rather not know. But if anyone tried to force unto her a life she didn't want, she felt ready to become just as bad as he was, if it could save her from _babies_.

And it hurt, yes, to see the disappointment in Dori's eyes. But less than it would hurt Ori if she agreed to live the life others wanted for her.

Dori ended up agreeing, of course. She had no choice. There was a long conversation, about paying for the apprenticeship, where the Master lived, and how often Ori would come back. Dis promised to take care of everything, claiming that Ori was like a daughter to her, just as precious as her sons, and that she wanted to give her a good start in life. A dark little voice in Ori's heart wondered if Dis wouldn't have found a Master living closer, had she not feared that something might happen between Fili and her.

Dori didn't say a word to her that night, as they went home. She didn't say a word any day after either, as if she couldn't find any way to express how hurt she was, how much she disapproved. It almost made Ori change her mind. She loved her sister, loved her like the mother she'd never known, and she wanted Dori to love her and be proud of her. But it was Dori who had betrayed her first, and there was no going back.

She wrote to Nori, to tell him of her future address, and to warn him it might be a good idea if he didn't come home for a while, what with Dori probably blaming him for the whole thing.

Two weeks later, Ori left their little town with Gili, Dwalin and Thorin. She still hadn't exchanged a single word with Dori. Not that her sister hadn't tried, once or twice, but she'd always found a way to escape. There was nothing Dori could say that she would want to hear.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes the best ideas come from the most unexpected people. Or, in which Ori meets people, and makes a few discoveries about dwarves.

It was strange, travelling with three men. Ori had always spent most of her time in the company of women (Fili barely counted, she had decided long ago) and men acted very differently. They were all very careful around her, as if she were something fragile and precious. Which was ridiculous, she thought. You couldn't grow up with Kili and be _weak_ , as she explained to Dwalin.

“I wouldn't say ye're weak, child,” the warrior had answered with a kinder smile than she expected. “Ye're just not used to the wild as we are, and ye don't know it's dangers. There's wolves and bears, and dwarves less honest then others. Thieves and bandits in these parts, and worse things yet that we might meet.”

“Are there orcs in these parts?” Ori asked, worried. Balin had told them about orcs. She'd rather not meet them.

“Not so far in the West, child, not for many years. But they're not the only thing ye should fear. Elves can be bad too, if they get it into their heads that it'd be funny to hurt ye. Strange sense of fun, the elves, and some have a taste for pretty little things like ye.”

“I thought they didn't like dwarves!”

“Not those old enough to have a full beard, no. But a child like ye, I'm sure they'd quite like that, eh? Heard they make good enough lovers, of course, if they feel like it, though their parts are a bit small to properly please a dwarf, as I've heard.”

Ori frowned, uncertain of what he meant exactly. She'd heard Fili make jokes of the same sort, and Kili seemed to understand them, but they never explained to her. Another difference between men and women, certainly.

“Don't scare the child like that!” Thorin grumbled behind them. “She's too young to hear you talk about such things. Bad enough that you talk of it around my nephew and my niece! And you, Ori, come walk with me. Your sister certainly wouldn't approve of you spending time with Dwalin, of all people.”

For some reason that made Dwalin laugh, but Ori gladly obeyed. She rather liked the warrior, but he scared her a little, with his tattoos and his strange humour. Thorin was boring and self-righteous, but at least she felt sort of safe around him.

It took them a week to arrive to the human town where Ori was to do her apprenticeship, and by then she was feeling quite comfortable around the three men. But what little sense of security she had managed to acquire during the trip melted away as soon as they were amongst the humans. Everything around her was just so huge and big and out of scale, including the people. She'd never seen humans before, and they struck her as unnecessarily tall, though of course that was probably because she was too small for a dwarf anyway.

She started wondering if she had made the right choice. She didn't belong there, among people so different from her. It wasn't her place. She should go home, and do whatever Dori wanted her to, because this, this was too scary and she just couldn't do it. But it was too late, of course, and before she could say anything, beg to be sent back, they were already in front of her new Master's house, and Thorin was knocking and it was too late.

The human who opened looked old, but Ori knew that didn't mean much. Tall people grew old faster than regular folks, and that one could very well be her age, or even younger (she later learned that he was her senior by ten years). His name was Reuel, and he was an old friend of Thorin, which was why he had agreed to teach Ori.

"Not many dwarves understand the art of the written word," he told Ori after the first introductions. "I honestly never thought I'd see one that could want to actually learn that. But there's a first time for everything, and the Lady Dis told me you were a good student, quick to learn, very curious, and very serious."

"I hope I won't disappoint her then," Ori mumbled shyly. "I shall do my best to please her and you. It... It's a great honour that you are doing me, Master, and shall do my best to be worthy of it."

The man laughed. “Oh, you can't be much worse than some people I've had before, child. I'm quite certain you'll be a lot better than Amdir, though not nearly as pretty. He brings customers, that's the good thing with elves.” He turned toward Thorin then, whose face had darkened at the mention of elves. “Still don't like them, eh? Well, that's your choice of course. Will you be staying for dinner? Amdir isn't cooking, fear not.”

“I have business to attend to in the North,” Thorin replied. “I already made a detour to bring the girl here, I cannot afford to lose more time. But when I come next, I shall accept your invitation with great pleasure. I hope the child will not dishonour our kind, and that she will learn well and fast.”

And with that, the dwarves were gone, and Ori found herself alone with a human who had to be at least twice her size, in the middle of a city where she had no friends, and from where she knew not the way home. It occurred to her that she was terrified.

Reuel smiled, and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Come, child. I'll show you your bedroom, and then we'll go meet everyone. I've told you about Amdir, but that's not all. There's my nephew who lives here too with his daughter, and my other apprentice, Tom. Dumb and mute, that lad, but he's got a good heart and a quick brain, I'm sure you'll get along.”

He showed her to a room that was probably very small to human standard, but was of a fairly decent size as far as Ori was concerned. It was even a little bit bigger than her room at home, and with a nice bookshelf with a few volumes waiting for her, and plenty of room for her own things.

“It's wonderful,” she said, putting her bags near the bed. “I thank you for your kindness, Master.”

“I'll let you unpack, and when you're ready come back downstairs in the kitchen, we'll all be waiting for you, child.”

Ori nodded, and started looking at her bags. She barely knew what was inside, the Lady Dis had taken care of most of it, even buying her some new clothes, most of which she was discovering right then. She still felt scared, but it was too late to turn back. At least, Master Reuel seemed nice enough.

She changed her clothes before going back to the kitchen, wanting to give a good first impression. Dori had taught her that at least, and it was a lesson she still valued.

When she came down, there was a nice smell of pork cooking with potatoes everywhere in the house, and Ori followed it to the kitchen where Master Reuel and four other people where waiting for her. One was a tall elf with dark red hair (Amdir, certainly), then a young man who looked a little like Master Reuel, who had on his knees a young girl with dark hair and grey eyes, and finally another man with blond hair who did not notice her until the elf touched his shoulder and pointed to Ori.

They all welcomed her, one way or another, though Tom really did not speak at all, and neither did Lizzie, the little girl. Amdir tried to compensate it by talking too much, too fast, and a tiny bit too loud, which reminded Ori of Kili, in a way. Except Amdir didn't look half as smart as the princess, nor half as nice and something about the way he looked at her and smile worried her. Then again, after all she'd heard about elves, Ori knew she had something of a prejudice against them.

It felt strange, being around people so different, but Ori decided she could learn to enjoy that.

* * *

 

As the days went by, Ori felt more and more that she had found the place where she belonged. It was hard work, learning the many types of calligraphy that existed, that she may always be able to answer her clients' demands. She also had to excercize a great deal her drawing skills, to try all sorts of news things, and learn methods so that, again, she could do illuminations in any style that might be asked of her.

It wasn't easy, but she loved it, just as much as she loved the kindness of Master Reuel, the jokes of his nephew Eden, and the silent companionship of Tom. She had more problems with young Lizzie, who was a queer little thing (Ori was fairly sure the girl's head was broken, but she dared not speak of it) and with Amdir who was... a rather strange fellow.

It wasn't that he was mean as such, but he just didn't seem to care much for the feelings of the people around him, as if they were just toys to him. He pushed them around, complained about faults they could not help (he'd said once that Tom didn't talk only to annoy him). He also had no notion of private space, and was always touching everyone one way or another, whether they liked it or not. The only person with which he was considerate was little Lizzie, and Ori suspected it was only because Master Reuel would not have allowed for her to be treated badly.

But to be honest, the thing that disturbed Ori the most with him was that he was flirting with her. Constantly.

It was entirely unwanted, of course. She was too young for such things, as Dori had told her countless times, and even if she had been of proper age, she would have preferred... not Amdir. She had tried to tell him that, after a few months, when she had felt more comfortable in the house, and more sure that Master Reuel wouldn't send her away at the first complaint she made. Amdir had listened attentively to all that she said about how she'd rather remain friends, and she just wasn't into elves, and all sorts of other reasonable arguments. He had listened, and then he had laughed.

“I do not wish to bed you, master dwarf! I only enjoy teasing you, for it is very easy to do. I have a rule of not taking partners who do not know who they are.”

“I know who I am! I am Ori!”

“Ori, son of nobody?”

“Ori, _daughter_ of Bàj, if you must know.”

Amdir frowned at that. “I have seen women of your kind before, master dwarf, and you do not act like one. I do not presume to _tell_ you who you are, since only _you_ can ever know it, but... I believed that your kind, unlike Men, did not let their body decide of everything they are?”

“I do not act like a man either,” Ori protested. “If you think I am one, you know nothing of us!”

“On the contrary, I know dwarves very well. I have taken a few to my bed,” he explained with a wink, “and I was friend with many, before Erebor well, for my family lived in the Greenwoods. There were men like you there, men who would protect their families not with swords, but with words. Did you know in days of old, your kind had great skalds that made poems that could match those of the most gifted elves?”

She did not know. Amdir smiled, more kindly than he usually did.

“Skalds were always men,” he assured her. “For they had to travel far and wide to see the world and improve their art. You may not be a man in the fashion that is now known, but a century ago, no one would have had any doubt about you.”

“My brothers never told me that. No one did. Men... men are strong, they are warriors! I'm not one. I'm... I'm not anything.”

Just a child with a body she hated, she thought bitterly. That was all she was, a freak who whether she be a man or a woman, would never act the way she was supposed to, because she did not want _children_ , and was rather sure she would _never_ want any, and would die rather than have to bear one.

Amdir put a hand on her cheek, tenderly caressing her beard.

“Fear not, young dwarf. One way or another, given enough time, you will figure out who you are. And then, _then_ , I promise you that you'll end up in bed with me, and you will enjoy every moment of it, little one.”

“That, master elf, is a promise I rather hope you will not keep.”

“Do you have another one in head then, little one?”

“No!”

“Then I'll convince you to have me, unless you are spoken for another.”

Ori wasn't sure _that_ was a good way to motivate her to find herself, to be quite honest, but what Amdir has said about the skalds certainly had her thinking.

* * *

 

It was nearly two years before she was able to go home again. Travelling alone was not an option for a woman, which she still was, for the time being, since she had decided that she needed to ask dwarves about skalds before she could make up her mind. Until then she was but a girl, and as such, she had to wait for Thorin to visit town again to be able to go home.

And it wasn't really going home that she wanted. She was not sure she felt ready to face Dori yet. She was not sure she would ever be ready to face Dori again. But she missed Kili, and Balin, and even Fili sometimes, when she was feeling very lonely, and she would be glad to see them again.

But after two years, everything felt different. Their town, that she had always loved, felt but a small village to her now, the houses small and dark, the market miserable and empty. Dori was making an effort to pretend that they never had had any disagreement, which was rather nice of her, but other than that, Ori was rather disappointed of having come home again.

The worse was probably to see Kili again.

The princess had grown a lot while Ori was gone. Kili had always been taller than her, but now she was also taller than Fili, and almost as tall as Dis, and yet she still had none of the shape that usually went with a female body. It made Ori burn with envy, though she was less than ever inclined to say it aloud, for something had changed in Kili. She was still loud and fierce and pretty as ever, but she no longer corrected those who called her a boy.

“What's the point?” she asked when her friend questioned her about it. “Everyone thinks I'm a boy anyway, and that's what decides it in the end. I'll miss wearing skirts, I will, but I can live without those. Uncle was the only one to indulge me, and I know mother asked him to stop doing it, so there's no point in insisting.”

“But you used to say it hurt when people call you a boy!”

“And it still does, but... it's easier that way, isn't it? I was never a real girl anyway, not like you or Dori or my mum.”

 _But I'm not a girl either_ , Ori almost screamed. She was no more a girl than Kili was a boy, and if the rest of the world was too stupid to see it, then she would _make_ them see it.

And for the first time since she had met him, Ori hoped that Amdir was right, that skalds had really existed, that there was another way for her. Because if there were men gifted with words rather than weapons, then maybe there had also been women like Kili in Erebor.

  


“Skalds? Oh, yes, of course they were real,” Balin said with a kind smile. “Most of them did the clever thing and went to live in the Iron Hills though, and the few that followed Thror died, I believe. There were never many skalds around to begin with, and they were often gentle souls, not fit for the hardships we encountered.”

“Can someone still become a skald then?” Ori asked in a hopeful voice.

“I'm afraid not, young lady. Since they are all dead, then they cannot teach their art, can they?”

Ori frowned. “But maybe I could go ask old people and have them tell me all they know about skalds, and that would be a first step, wouldn't it? I'm sure you know plenty about them, since you are so wise and... well... experienced.”

“Skalds were men, Ori. You couldn't be one, you know.”

“But they were a different sort of men, weren't they? I'm... I've been told they fought with words rather than weapon, isn't that true? Maybe I'm not a girl at all, maybe I'm just a man different from those around here?”

Balin shook his head, and looked at her as if she were a brainless child who couldn't understand the simplest of things.

“There are no more skalds, Ori. I do not know who told you about them, but you should just forget it all. You are a woman, and there is no shame in that, lass.”

“Indeed, there isn't,” Ori answered, thinking of Kili. “And I think I'm starting to know what and who I am, master Balin. Thank you for this conversation. It was most helpful.”

The old dwarf nodded happily, clearly glad to have been of help, and he encouraged her again to forget all about skalds and such nonsense belonging to the past. She promised.

And as soon as she was back at Master Reuel's, she went to Amdir, and asked him to tell her all he knew about skalds. If dwarves were going to be unhelpful, then there was no shame in turning to elves for knowledge, she had decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter... But I know I like Amdir, though he is not someone I'd want as a friend.  
> Also skalds are an actual thing from medieval Iceland, google it if you're interested :D Actual skalds weren't entirely what I'm making Dwarvish skalds to be, but they're still very interesting!:D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years go by, Ori grows up and learns a lot.  
> And when Nori comes back, an important conversation happen

“Well, child, that is some very nice work you have done here,” Master Reuel said after having carefully inspected the book Ori had just finished copying. “I believe Lord Farain will be very pleased to have it, and you have more than earned your share of the money on this one. Oh, yes, don't look at me like that, it's more than time you started getting paid. You deserve it, child.”

Ori was sure he was red as a ruby, but he was too happy to care. He had been apprenticed to Master Reuel for fourteen years now, but Lord Farain's book was the first one he had copied and illuminated entirely on his own. He had been working on it for a year, and most nights he had fallen asleep with cramps in his hands and a headache, but it had been worth it, to see the pride in his master's eyes.

The money was an unexpected bonus, to be honest, but not one he'd complain about. He already knew what he would do with it.

But first, he thanked his master for his compliments, and assured him that without his kind and patient teaching, he would never have had such success in his learnings.

“I did the best I could to help you,” answered the old man, “and you did the rest. For if the teacher did everything, Amdir wouldn't still be... _Amdir_.”

“I am right here, master,” the elf protested. “I can hear you! And I'm the one who brought Lord Farain here, and who told him how skilled our Ori was, so I believe I deserve part of the praise. And I helped teaching him, didn't I?”

Ori blushed at that, while master Reuel laughed. It was true that the elf _had_ been a great teacher for the young dwarf, though not in the arts they were both supposed to be learning. Instead, Amdir had told him all he knew about the skalds of Erebor, and he seemed to know much indeed. He'd had a few of them in his bed in the past (then again, he had had a few of everyone in his bed in any case, and he seemed so happy that way that Ori couldn't quite disapprove) and he claimed to have been in love with at least one of them, who had taught him a thing or two about his craft.

What was true and what was invented, Ori didn't know. Trusting Amdir wasn't the best idea one could have, but it was still better than not doing anything. And it made him feel... better about himself, really. He wasn't Ori-the-girl anymore, that little thing who had been afraid of her own shadow, terrified of angering her sister or of standing up for herself. But he wasn't exactly Ori-the-boy either, not in a way most dwarves would have understood it. He was Ori-the-Skald, and since he was the only skald in that part of the world, he had decided it meant he got to decide what a skald was.

A skald was brave but not reckless, better with words and tales than with weapons, but capable of standing for himself. A skald didn't have to bear children if he didn't want to. A skald didn't have to listen to their sister when she talked of suitors and marriage. A skald had a right to know who his parents were, no matter what his siblings thought of it. A skald was not to be shamed because his craft wasn't dwarvish enough.

A skald was free to do as he pleased.

And this particular skald would soon have the money necessary to buy one of those vest of elvish fabric, the sort that acting-men wore to make the most obvious elements of their female body less...obvious. Ori had been dreaming of that day for years now, to finally get rid of those ridiculous lumps of fat that hanged on his chest, and that dream was coming true at last.

* * *

 

Ori had the next morning off, and so he decided to take Lizzie with him to market. Master Reuel's niece still didn't talk much, and there was still something funny in her head. At a time, Ori had wondered why his master had kept that broken child, when humans had them so easily. But that was long ago, and now he was quite fond of Lizzie, and she was a dear friend of his, the only one he had that was more or less her age, in a manner of speaking. Technically, he still had Kili too, but things were... strange with the princess. Last time he'd gone home, Kili had just avoided him most of the time, all the while glaring at him as if his mere existence were a personal insult. And then on the last day, she had given Ori a beautiful new quill, and she'd said she'd miss him a lot, and that she hoped he'd soon come back for good.

It had been strange. The quill was very nice, and Ori had used it to write down Amdir's rule for being a skald.

But for now, Ori wasn't thinking of Kili. Not much. He was just enjoying a fine morning at the market with Lizzie who was inspecting carefully the fruits and vegetables they needed to buy, as she always did. You never got anything rotten when you went shopping with Lizzie, and it made her so happy when they praised her for it that Ori usually let her do whatever she wanted, and only got involved when it was time to pay. Which gave him time to have a quick look at that elven merchant who always had nice things that he couldn't afford.

This time, the merchant also had a customer that Ori would have recognised anywhere.

It was Nori.

His hair was black instead of being red, and it was styled in a way Ori had never seen on him before, but there was no doubt possible. It was his brother. He hadn't seen him since before the beginning of his apprenticeship, and he'd gotten less than a dozen letters in all that time. Seeing Nori again after all that time, knowing he was well, made him want to run to him and jump in his arms, like he did as a child. But they were not home. Nori probably wasn't Nori in this town. He probably was another dwarf that Ori didn't know, who didn't have any family, and if Ori went to him, it would put them both in danger.

So Ori just stared at that dwarf who wasn't his brother, until the dwarf looked at him. Not-Nori didn't frown, didn't give any indication that he had seen Ori, and after a quick glance, he just returned his attention to his conversation with the merchant. Ori, in turn, returned to see Lizzie, who had finished inspecting the cabbage, for which he paid, and they went back home.

As he went to bed that night, Ori made sure to keep his window open.

* * *

 

Dawn wasn't there yet when Ori was awakened by the terrifying certainty that there was _someone_ in his room. Usually it meant that Amdir couldn't sleep and was bored. That was why Ori kept a dagger under his pillow. Not that the elf would ever have tried anything without his consent, but sometimes it was good to remind him that the dwarf had _not_ given his consent. His hand slid towards the small weapon, as discreetly as he could manage it.

“I know you're not sleeping, jewel,” said a voice that was decidedly not Amdir's. “And if you didn't want any visitors tonight, you should have closed that window.”

“Nori!”

Ori jumped out of his bed, and ran to his brother who put his arms around him and held him tight, as he always did when they met again after a long separation.

“I'd missed you, jewel,” his brother whispered. “I didn't know where you'd been sent to learn, and it's a bit difficult to come home these days, because Dwalin might recognise me. But I've missed you so much. And look at you, you've grown into such a fine little lady!”

Ori tensed. _That_ was not something he wanted to hear. That was not a conversation he wanted to have. Not after a decade and a half of not seen each other. Not now. Not so soon.

“Anything the matter, Ori? Dare I ask why you're sleeping with a dagger in your bed? You're not in trouble, are you?”

“No, non, it's just... a little game I play with Amdir. That's the elf who lived here. He's nice. Sort of. He helps me with things. He used to go to Erebor often, in the old days!”

“I'm not sure I approve of you playing games with an elf,” Nori said in a warning tones. “And certainly not if they involve knives.”

“Like you're one to talk! Oh, don't look at me like that, I know everything! Well, not everything, but I know that you're no merchant, no matter what Dori says. Well, at least now I know why you wouldn't take me with you on your travels.”

Nori shrugged. “Had you been a boy, I might have taken you. Dori would have hated me, but I would have taken you, at least once. You'd have learned a thing or two about the world, things that you wouldn't have gotten from your royals, trust me.”

He winked then, but Ori didn't even smile, tensing again.

He didn't want to have that conversation. He didn't want to have to explain, not yet, and the first dwarf to whom he wanted to tell who he really was would have been Kili, because she might have understood. Nori on the other hand... well, he wasn't as bad as Dori, but there was no way to know how he would react, no way to know if he'd be angry or accepting... But then again, if Nori didn't like who Ori really was, he would just leave and never come back. He was rather good at leaving, after all.

“I'm a boy,” Ori announced, looking his brother straight in the eye. “I know I don't look or act much like one, but I'm a boy. I'm not a girl. I'll never be a girl. I'm a boy. I'm a _boy_.”

“Jewel...”

“I'm not a _jewel_! That's a nickname for _girls_ , and I'm not one! I am Ori! I'm not a jewel, I'm not a... a baby, I am Ori, and I am a man, and a _skald!_ ”

Ori felt breathless, as if he'd just fought some great battle. He had, in a way. After so many years of hiding from other dwarves, the secret was out. It was terrifying. It was liberating.

“Who knows?” Nori asked in a careful voice. And that was a good sign, Ori decided. He had not yelled, he had not protested. Yet.

“Everyone in this house. They were all very nice about it. Back at home, nobody.”

“So I'm the first you're telling?”

Ori nodded.

“Thank you for your trust then, _little brother_ ,” Nori said with a small smile. “A skald, hm? Haven't seen one of those in quite a while. My grand-father was one, you know. It must run in your blood. And I suppose it makes a lot more sense now that you were so willing to go so far to study.”

“You... don't mind, then? You don't think I'm... I'm not manly enough?”

“I think... I think you are the only one who can know who you are, jewel. If you are happy like this, the rest doesn't matter. As for not being manly enough, it will come. You have been a girl most of your life, and we have all treated you as such. I had never thought before that you might be a man, because there haven't been skalds in these parts since... well, quite a long time. But I see it now. And you are one, as much as anyone will ever be. You are my little skald, my little brother, and I love you as much as ever.”

At that, Ori broke into tears. Months, years of fear and worry, and it was all going better than he would ever have expected. Nori still loved him, and was calling him his brother, and hearing those words from him felt so right that the sheer joy of it all almost hurt.

They spent the end of the night talking, about the past and the future. Nori promised to buy him a vest like those of other acting-men. Ori was still worried about telling Dori, but now that he had been accepted once, he felt he could no longer hide himself. His brother offered to be there when he'd tell their sister, but after careful consideration, Ori decided it would be a bad idea.

“She'll think it's your fault if you're here. She always thinks it's your fault.”

“She's often right. But it's your choice how you want to do this, jewel. And you know if there's any trouble, I'll find a way to come and help you. I'll give you an address, if you're having problems, write there and I'll know. If it's really big you may even go there directly, but that's if nothing else can work, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. You are the _best_ brother in the entire world.”

Nori laughed sadly. “I do what I can, jewel. I do what I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stiiiill not satisfied with what I'm doing with this ARGH  
> And I don't like to ask for comments, but I'm starting to worry whether you guys like where this is going and/or have any criticism to share?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori finishes his studies, and has to leave his master's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay? I got sort of... blocked on this one.  
> I still am, actually, and I'm not entirely happy with that chapter.  
> Then again, when am I ever happy with my writings, really?XD

Six months passed, and Ori knew he would soon have to go home. Three months after Nori's visit, Master Reuel had informed him that his apprenticeship was now finished. He was a copyist, a true, proper one. The old man had even braided his hair and give him a golden pearl to decorate the braid, to show other dwarves that he was now an adult and a master of his trade.

And soon after, Amdir too had declared him as accomplished a skald as he could hope to be with such a teacher.

“You've got all the poetic names for things,” Amdir said that day.

Ori had nodded. He knew that you never called the Valar by their names, but instead used attributes for each of them. Manwe was the Great Wind, Varda was the Shining Star, Ulmo was the Growing Wave, Aulë was the Kingly Smith, and so on. Names had a magic to them. Using something's real name in poetry made you a wizard rather than a skald.

“But all skalds are wizards in the end,” Amdir reminded him, “because they use words to make people immortal, to bring the dead back to life. And for that, you need to use the rules of rhyme...”

Oh, and hadn't that part been hard. Ori wasn't terribly fond of the old rules for it. As far as he was concerned, the shape did not need to be so strict. In the old poetry, you had rules for everything, but he had decided he would do things his own way. And what if the consonants didn't repeat the right way, and he used vowels that weren't meant to go together in this specific part of a poem? He wasn't a skald of Erebor, he was a skald of Ered Luin, and he would create his own rules.

“You have all this knowledge, and yet you know nothing,” the elf reminded him, “because the stories you know are not yours, the rhymes you tell aren't yours. You are a skald, and not a skald, and you will not be one until you find your own voice. How will you do this?”

“I will travel the world and see the lands,” Ori recited solemnly. “I will meet dwarves and men, elves and animals, and I will listen to their tales, and make them mine. I will meet great heroes, and little folks, and I will tell their tale. I will make immortal those who deserved it, and bring eternal shame on those whose actions were unfair and dishonest. I will never take advantage of my knowledge to demand unjustified payment, but I will accept presents from those who can afford them. If I use my words to turn a lie into immortal truth, then it shall be my shame. I must perish rather than alter a story, for if my story lied, it is the morality of all my brothers who would be doubted. I will travel the world and see the lands, and I will tell the tales.”

“Come then, my little student. With this oath, you are a skald, and I will braid your hair that all who meet you may know who you are.”

Ori thanked Amdir, and bowed his head. It all felt so official, though it was anything but. He'd had some doubts sometimes, over the years. His decision to be a skald had been a rash one, due to anger at the world for treating as a girl, as a _female_ , and he would have given anything to stop being one, to make people see something other than his soft manners and his unwanted body. Luckily, all that Amdir had taught him about skalds had pleased him.

Ori had had doubts over the years, but he no longer doubted. _This_ was who he was meant to be.

“Rise your head, Ori, son of Bàj,” Amdir ordered him. “You are now a skald. May you serve well those who ask for your stories.”

“I will.”

Amdir nodded seriously, then slipped back to his usual sly smile, one hand on Ori's shoulder. “Don't I deserve a kiss now? After all I've helped you, I think you should kiss me.”

Ori laughed. “And I was wondering why you had shown such restraint this last few weeks! You had this planed, hadn't you?”

“If I say no, will I get that kiss?”

“You can say yes and still have it. But just one, and only because you've made such an effort!”

The elf grinned at that, and bowed to kiss the little dwarf. It was Ori's first kiss, and it could have gone worse, all things considered. Amdir certainly wasn't the person he'd had in mind when he had tried to image it, but it was still nice enough.

“I should have kissed you before,” Amdir said as he drew away. “You've got a moustache now, I don't like it. That's the problem with you dwarves, you have to grow up and become all hairy. But if you want another kiss, I can make an effort, of course.”

Ori just rolled his eyes and laughed.

* * *

 

That was the end of it, then. Ori was a skald, and a copyist, and he had no more reason to stay with Master Reuel. The old man had offered to let him stay and work with him and his family, but Ori had refused. A copyist might remain in one place but a skald couldn't, and he missed being around dwarves. Not because of the dwarves as such, but because he would rather enjoy being in a place where he didn't need a ladder for everything.

He would go home, first. No matter what quarrels he had with Dori, she had to know who he was, and what his plans were. At the moment, he had half a mind to travel all around Ered Luin, and to collect tales of Erebor, and of the great battles of Moria, but life might decide otherwise of course.

But that would have to wait until he went back, which he could not do alone, not yet. As far as dwarves were concerned he was a girl, and Dori would skin him alive if he came back on his own. Not that he would dare to, anyway. Ori might have been a young fool, but he was aware that he had none of the skills necessary to cross the empty space from his town to the mountains. He had to wait for dwarves to come through the city that were headed the right way. Dwarves whom he knew: they might not trust him to come with them if they were strangers.

To put it simply, it meant he had to wait for Thorin or Gili to come back from a business trip. It could happen the following morning, or in two or three years.

* * *

 

It had been the most ordinary of days, really, spent working and chatting with the others, refusing Amdir's offers for a bed companion, and then going to sleep. Master Reuel had mentioned some sort of unrest in the market that morning, but Ori hadn't paid it too much attention. There always was trouble in the market, one way or another. Sometimes it meant the merchants were in a hurry to go home, and some good deals could be made. Apparently such had been the case that day, because Lizzie had come home with far more vegetables than she should have been to afford with the money they'd given her.

Ori had helped Tom cook, they had all eaten together, and the young dwarf had gone to bed.

It had been the most ordinary of days.

Until Ori had woken up in the middle of the night to find Nori in his bedroom.

His brother had come visit him once or twice, always when honest people were sleeping. It was safer that way, Nori always said. He wasn't a very popular in some places, and he didn't want some people to know that Ori was connected to him.

They had discovered his little brother anyway.

“A friend of mine heard them talk,” Nori explained, going through his brother's things and packing what he deemed necessary. “They're coming after you. They hope that'll make me change my mind about some old disagreement we have. You've got to leave. Now.”

“But what about master Reuel? Isn't he in danger if...”

“I'll take care of that. They'll realize soon enough that you're gone anyway, and your master has powerful friends, as a good copyist should. He'll be safe enough. You, on the other hand, are in great danger, so if there's anything you want to take home, grab it now. You're gone in thirty minutes.”

Ori nodded, and ran to get his writing supplies. He'd need them, no matter where they were going, and he couldn't leave behind his notes on skalds, nor his first attempts at writing stories of his own, and his drawing, and...

“Where are we going, then?” he asked, wondering where he'd put everything while travelling.

“You're going home,” Nori informed him. “I'm staying here to make sure no one ever thinks of threatening you again, and to take care of a few things.

Ori almost dropped everything.

“But I can't travel _alone_!”

“Why not? You're a boy now, aren't you?”

“But I don't _know_ any boy things!” Ori protested, his voice rising high. “Nori, I don't even know the way home, and I don't know how to start a fire, I don't fight well enough, I could get attacked by orcs and what would I _do_?”

“Between a slight chance of orcs and the certainty of you falling into Elgr's hands, I'll take the orcs any day. You'll just have to...”

Nori stopped, frowning, and he signed to his brother to keep silent. Ori froze, feeling terrified at the idea that Nori's enemies might be there already. He didn't want to die, not when he was _just_ starting to be good at drawing and writing.

Without a sound, Nori moved to the door. Fast as a hawk, he opened it, knife in hand, and he would have stricken if Ori hadn't cried, telling him to stop.

“That's Amdir! He's a friend, don't hurt him!”

Nori's blade halted just before the elf's kidneys.

“He's the one because of whom you sleep with a dagger under your pillow,” the dwarf said, not moving his knife. “And he comes in the middle of the night here with a weapon of his own. Strange friend.”

“I heard a voice,” Amdir said quickly, tightening his hold on his small sword, “and Ori seemed afraid. I thought there was a problem. I'm not yet convinced there isn't one. You're fast, _dwarf_ , but I can be _faster_ if I need to.”

Ori gasped.

“Stop that, both of you! Amdir, that's my big brother, I've told you about him! And Nori, Amdir is my friend, he really is, so please, _stop trying to kill him_ , I'd be very grateful.”

The other two glared at each other for a few more seconds. Nori pressed his knife a little more against the elf's body, then put it back to wherever he usually hid it. Amdir silently put his sword against the wall, and turned to Ori.

“If this is your brother, then what were you screaming about? Did I intrude on a... family discussion? Should I leave you to it, or might you need... any sort of moral support? I am more than ready to testify of how well you adapted to your new life, if need be.”

“What?”

“He thinks it's about the fact you're a boy now,” Nori explained, glaring at the elf. “And he thinks you might need _protection_. How sweet, jewel. You've tamed an _elf_.”

“I'd say I was the one doing the taming,” Amdir protested softly, sounding almost like a real elf for once, rather than the lecherous sloth Ori knew he was. “Your little brother took a long while to befriend, but now that we are on good terms, he is as precious to me as any friend of my own kind. So I will ask you again: why was Ori screaming, and why are you here at such an hour?”

Ori expected his brother to get angry and defensive, or even to mock Amdir's protectiveness.

Instead, Nori sniggered.

“You _have_ tamed an elf, little brother! And maybe that's just as well... tell me, tree-fucker, how far does you friendship for Ori extend?”

“As far as it'll need to go, dwarf. Why do you care?”

“My brother needs to go home, but he's afraid he can't find the way on his own, and to be honest so am I. He's never travelled alone. Have you?”

“Of course. Do you think my people would have brought me here, in a town of men, to lower myself and become apprentice to a mortal? I can travel alone, dwarf, and I can travel with Ori, if you'll trust me with him.”

Nori open his mouth to answer, but Ori beat him to it.

“I think that's actually up to me, isn't it?” he grumbled. “I'm an _adult_ , I'll have you know, and that means I get to choose who I travel with! And, well, if you agree to help me, Amdir, then I'll gladly accept, though I didn't expect it from you. I thought you were entirely useless, to be honest.”

“I am _wounded_ , little dwarf!” the elf laughed, sounding once again like the Amdir he knew. “I have more than proved that I am an elf of many talent, even if calligraphy really _isn't_ one of those. Oh, my pride might never survive such a terrible attack!”

Ori couldn't help a little laugh at that, to which the elf answered with a grin.

“Glad you two are having fun,” Nori snapped. “Now if you don't mind, you've got to get ready. We're running late already, and now I need to find a horse for you, elf. Go get what you need, and quick. You too, Ori. _Now_.”

Suddenly remembering why Amdir and him would be travelling together, Ori felt a touch of his panic return. He firmly pushed it away. He would give in to his fears later, when he'd be safe at home with Dori to protect him. _Then_ he'd panic, if he still felt like it, but _now_ there was too much to do. He just couldn't let Nori pack for him, or he'd end up with a bundle full of nothing but stupid clothes, and none of his working things.

Once that was done, and after Amdir had come back with a small bag of his own, they left by the window. Any other day, Ori would have found it fun. It was almost like the stupid things he'd done with Kili and Fili, when they were children. Sneaking out in the middle of the night... Oh, they'd certainly done that once or twice, and they had almost never been caught, too.

But this, of course, was no game.

Ori wondered if he'd ever see master Reuel and the other again.

Probably not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want the entire fic to be just about Ori's trouble with his identity. It's /important/ certainly, but I feel it would be nice to let him have adventures of some sort?  
> And I just like Amdir, so I'm trying to keep him around for a while longer :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori and Amdir travel together, get in trouble, and meet people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THAT IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE I SWEAR I DIDN'T THINK IT'D TAKE ME SO LONG  
> I just got blocked after losing my first attempt at writing that chapter...  
> I'll try to NOT take months to update again, and, again, I am SO sorry...D:

“You got in trouble with the Mithril Eye?” Amdir gasped, sounding as horrified as Ori felt.

He'd heard of the Mithril Eye. _Everyone_ had heard of them. There were rumours, stories, legends about them. They were dwarves of the worse sort, descendants of those who had joined the evil in the East at the time of the great wars of men and elves. You did not get near the Mithril Eye. That was the first rule if you were smart. And Ori had always thought that his brother was smart, though it was an opinion that he was now reconsidering.

Nori just snorted, and finished checking the saddle of the horse he'd found for Amdir.

And how he had found that horse, Ori didn't want to know.

“It was a mistake,” Nori admitted, “and if I were given another chance, I'd be more careful. But you'll be safe once you're home. They'd never dare to come in Thorin's territory. They've had to deal with him in the past, and they're probably not too eager to do it again. You'll be safe.”

“And what about you?” Ori asked. “Will you be safe too?”

“Safe enough. You're my weakness, jewel, and as soon as I don't have to worry about you, I'll deal with this. Don't worry.”

Ori tried to feel convinced, and failed. There was nothing he could do, though, so he got onto the pony his brother had given him, and Amdir and him left the town, neither of them daring to turn back.

 

* * *

 

They travelled in silence for the rest of the night, and then for a good part of morning, stopping only when Amdir judged their mounts were getting tired and that they needed to eat. For all that dwarves and elves could go for long without food or drinks, years of comfort and of following the habits of men had rather reduced their endurance.

“We'll have to make frequent stops,” Amdir sighed. “My kin would be terribly amused to see how soft I have become. Not that I ever was one of the toughest of elves, really. It's all very nice to go for days without food and sleep, but I'd rather enjoy the comforts of life while I can.”

“Well, we can't now,” Ori replied tartly. “If it was comfort you wanted, you should have stayed at master Reuel's.”

“And leave my little student fend for himself in the wilderness? What sort of person would I be then? And I still hope that my act of bravery will win you over and make you want to elope to the Greenwoods with me, of course.”

Nervous as he was, Ori sniggered at that, and again when Amdir sighed dramatically, complaining about the pains of unrequited love.

* * *

 

Even like this, the first week went rather smoothly, and after a day or two, Ori stopped worrying about being found by the Mithril Hand, and started worrying about what Dori would say when she’d see him. His sister would be furious to see him travelling with no chaperone (Amdir didn’t count, and probably made things even worse, really). She might also no be too happy to see Ori’s manly appearance. He’s always tried to tone it down as much as he could whenever he went home, pretending he wasn’t... himself, because he was too terrified of Dori’s reaction.

He tried to explain everything to Amdir one night as the sat by the fire. The mountains were getting closer now, and the elf had asked him why he was getting more nervous everyday. Ori did his best to tell him, a weak smile on his lips.

“She got so angry when I just said I didn’t want babies, and she found me so very silly for hiding... everything that needed to be hidden... and she was one of the first ones to call Kili a boy, even back when she’d punch and kick and yell at people for it... So Dori won’t like this, she won’t like it at all...”

“No, it sounds like she won’t,” Amdir admitted, looking ever more perplexed. “But you do not exist to please her, nor anyone. You have decided already. You are a man, and a skald, and if she cannot accept you as you are, you will just have to go away and find other people who can see who you really are, won’t you?”

“That would be awfully selfish, wouldn’t it?”

Amdir shrugged. “You might think it selfish, but I think it stupid to stay near someone who would force you to be who you aren’t. I could never do it, anyway. Staying day after day and pretending... what is the point of that? Sooner or later, the truth will explode anyway, so one might as well just do what one want. That’s how I see things.”

“But she’s family! Family isn’t always nice, but it’s... it matters! Family’s what you have left when you’ve lost everything else. Families have to stick together, and if I left again, for good, it would hurt her...”

“You worry a lot about hurting her. Shouldn’t she worry too about hurting you, if family is such an important thing?”

Ori opened his mouth to answer, then closed it. He hadn’t thought of that. But then, Dori had sacrificed so many things for him, she’d never had a real family because she was raising him, she’d never had children of her own because she was raising him... He’d always sort of assumed that after all that Dori had done, it was his turn to do things for her.

Amdir grinned at him. “Makes you think, eh? Oh, you should just drop it all and come with me to the Greenwoods. I’ll make you happy. You know I see you as a man. I saw you as one before you even noticed it, you wouldn’t have to fear that I treat you as what you aren’t... and the parties! Oh, I’d take you to the king’s parties, and you’d love them! Thranduil wouldn’t like it at first, but we’re related on his mother’s side, so I wouldn’t leave him any choice. And you’d love that my little dwarf, all the songs and the music, and the tales... Oh, you’d hear tales that none but the elves remember nowadays, tales from the time before the Moon and the Sun, tales...”

Ori smiled. Amdir didn’t often talk of other elves, but when he did it was always the great parties of the Greenwoods that came to his lips, and the young dwarf did like to hear about these. They seemed so different from dwarven feasts, and yet so similar.

It wasn’t like Amdir to interrupt himself in the middle of a description though. Looking at him, the young skald noticed that his friend had gone tense and was staring at something in the distance, even though he couldn’t see well in the dark.

“Amdir, what’s...”

With a gesture, the elf ordered him to be silent. Ori obeyed and tried to figure out what his friend what staring at, but he saw nothing.

“Prepare your pony,” Amdir eventually whispered to him. “Do it as silently as you can. I’ll put down the fire. We are not alone.”

The elf sounded so serious that Ori didn’t even think of questioning his order and just did as he had been told, quickly and as efficiently as he could. Amdir helped him get onto the saddle, and gave him his bag, as well as their provisions.

“Ride ahead and don’t stop until sunrise,” the elf told him, taking his hand.

“Is it...”

“I don’t know. If it is, I’ll hold them back. If it’s not, I’ll find you again, and I’ll let you laugh at me if you want. But for now, ride and don’t turn back, no matter what you hear. Do you understand me, my little dwarf? Don’t stop, no matter what.” He looked at the pony then, frowning severely. “And you, carry my dwarf safely, or I’ll turn you into a pair of boots. Don’t think I won’t do it.”

The animal didn’t look too impressed, but Ori had a feeling Amdir was more than serious. He felt scared suddenly, and almost asked the elf to flee with him. But there was a noise then, not too far behind them, and before Ori could say anything, Amdir slapped his pony’s croup and the mount jumped ahead.

It wasn’t long until Ori heard more noises, and what sounded like Amdir’s voice laughing and taunting. He didn’t turn back though, and just asked his pony to go faster while praying to Mahal and any god that might be listening to not kill his friend.

He rode all night, galloping first, then letting his poor pony just walk when they were both too tired for anything else. By the time the sun appeared, Ori was walking next to his pony, and begging the animal to not stop right there, because there was a small grove not far away, and they would be safer there than out on the plain. They were both exhausted, but they couldn’t go to sleep there, because anyone might see them, and at the moment anyone was a potential enemy. It took a lot of pleading, begging, threatening and no small amount of plain old crying, but in the end Ori did manage to get his pony to the grove, and that felt like the greatest feat he had ever accomplished.

Until he realized there were already people there. A least four, unless some of them were on foot, because four was how many ponies were on the edge of the grove.

Dwarven ponies, stronger than the ones humans bred.

It could have been the Mithril Eye, and then he’d be in danger, or it could be simple merchants on their way to the mountains, and then he’d be safe. He had no way of knowing, though.

Not until one dwarf walked from behind a tree, and it was mister Dwalin, and Ori could have cried out of sheer relief.

Dwalin was as safe a dwarf as there’d ever be.

He seemed quite surprised to see the younger dwarf, and even more surprised when Ori jumped down from his pony and ran to his arms, clinging to him like a babe to its mother.

“What’s a lad like you doing here alone?” the warrior asked. “Are you lost, kid? You... You’re Dori’s little sister! What _are_ you doing here?”

“I was travelling,” Ori sobbed, and to his shame he did start crying. “There were problems, and I had to go alone, and...”

“Wait, wait, I shouldn’t be the only one to hear this. Come with me, lassie, the rest of us is having breakfast, you’ll eat a bit and tell us all about it, yeah?”

Ori nodded eagerly, and allowed himself to be pulled inside the grove where Thorin, Fili and Gili were sitting together, eating some bread and cheese. They all looked surprised to see Ori, of course, but before they could ask why he was there, Dwalin claimed he needed to eat, and so they shared their breakfast with him.

“What are you doing here alone?” Thorin asked when he felt Ori had eaten enough and could be questioned.

“My... my brother got into trouble with the wrong people, and he... they made threats, and Nori said I had to leave, so I did, with a friend... but my friend he... he heard something last night, and he said he’d stay behind to... in case there was trouble...”

“Did the Mithril Eye finally catch up with what Nori’s been doing then?” Gili asked, earning himself a sharp look from his brother-in-law. “Oh, come on, the girl is trying to protect him, but she knows who’s running after her. Don’t you, lass? I doubt your brother would be the sort to not tell you who you’re running away from.”

Ori nodded, not able to speak, between surprise that they would know so much about Nori’s business, and the vague sickness in his stomach each time they called him a girl. It had been so long since he’d been among dwarves, or at least dwarves who knew him, he’d almost forgotten what it was like to be nothing more than his siblings’ sister.

“Did you see Nori, or did you only get a message?” Thorin asked.

“I saw him, he...”

“Did he look worried?” Gili enquired.

“Not too much... just very, very angry, I think, but it’s always hard to say with...”

“He’d have contacted us if he’d had anything to fear,” Thorin cut him, looking at Gili. “If they’d realized what he was doing, Nori would have found a way to let us know. He didn’t give you any message for us, did he?”

“No, nothing, he just... came into my room and said I had to leave, and so I left...”

“Didn’t you said you had a friend with you though?” Fili asked.

“Oh, yes! Mahal, I hope he’s fine, I hope they didn’t catch him or kill him... It’s Amdir, he’s an apprentice with me, and he heard me talking with Nori and offered to come with me to protect me, and... oh please, we’ve got to see if he’s alright, we’ve got to...”

Thorin grunted. “Strange name, Amdir, for a Man.”

“That’s because he’s an elf, not a Man,” Ori explained.

He immediately wished he hadn’t said that. The other four glared at him as if he’d said he’d fucked a troll, as if having an elf friend was some sort of major crime. Which it wasn’t.

At least, he hoped it wasn’t? He knew that elves had a bad reputation, and there were stories, but no one would actually be angry because his second best friend was tall and had pointy ears, would they?

“We... we’re going to help him, right?” Ori asked, fearing the answer. “If he’s in trouble... he took that risk for me, he’s nice, he’s a good elf!”

“There are no good elves,” Thorin growled. “We’re giving you and your pony two hours to rest, and then we’re leaving. With any luck, we should be home tonight.”

“But Amdir!”

Thorin glared at him, and there was such disdain in his eyes that Ori felt forced to look away, ashamed even though he _knew_ he had done nothing wrong.

“Your elf proved himself of more use than the rest of his race,” Thorin spat. “That doesn’t mean I will risk my life, our lives, for the like of him. Get some rest now.”

Ori nodded, and went to lie down on a sleeping mat that Fili laid down on the floor for him. The other dwarves left him alone then, moving to a place in the trees where they could talk without being heard... or so they thought. Ori listen as they spoke of Nori, of the Mithril Eye, of a map that had been lost and stolen and found again, then stolen again... They spoke of him too, wondering if they should interrogate him once more when he’d have rested a little, to make sure Nori really hadn’t left a message for them...

Not once did they mention Amdir.

It made Ori’s blood turn to ice and fire that they would not do anything to save the elf, that they would not even think of just waiting, in case he was fine and would join them. It made him furious that Amdir was already dead in their minds, that they probably thought he never should have been alive at all, just because he was the wrong race. It wasn’t fair. Amdir wasn’t the best person in the world, but he was his friend, and he’d taught him to be a skald, or as close of a skald as he could ever hope to be, and he’d risked his life to protect him.

Ori would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try to do something for him.

And the others were still talking, not paying him any attention, thinking he was asleep...

They probably wouldn’t notice he was gone, not if he was very silent... and he knew how to do that. Nori had taught him when he’d been younger, one of their many games that Dori had disapproved of...

His own pony wasn’t in any condition to be used of course, but _theirs_ were...

And they had weapons too, some of which had been left near the ponies with their packs...

It would be easy.

It was easy.

It was also, without a doubt, the most stupid thing Ori had ever done in his life. But as he rode away, the only thing he could think about was that he had to save his friend, because friends were family too, and family was what mattered.

 

* * *

 

There was no way he could have avoided been seen by them, not in this stupid flat plain where you could see everything for miles, with only the mountains on one side to block your view. Ori didn’t care. He could still surprise them, if he went about it the right way. At least, he hoped so.

They were three dwarves, camping maybe two hours away from the grove, and with them was Amdir. Alive. Hurt, but alive. As Ori rode closer, he saw bruises already forming on the elf’s skin, and a split lips, and all sorts of signs that told him easily enough that Amdir had never had a chance in the fight that must have taken place, but that did not matter, because he was alive.

The dwarves stared at Ori the whole time he rode toward them, and when he finally stopped before them, they had swords and axes in their hands. The look on their faces, though, told well enough that they didn’t think he was any danger to them. They weren’t exactly wrong, he thought as he got down from his pony, but he would be as dangerous as he could manage.

“And you must be Siar’s little brother then,” one of the dwarves said, and his posture showed that he was in charge. “Well, if that’s even his name. He’s Siar with us, but others call him Jerdr or Parin. What do you call your brother, kid?”

“That’s no business of yours,” Ori retorted as confidently as he could. “I am only here to make you free the elf. If you do, nothing will happen to you.”

“And what if we don’t?”

Nothing will happen either, the skald thought. But they didn’t need to know that.

“You’ll regret it. I am, as you said Siar’s little brother. If you think he’s taught me nothing, you are mistaken. Release the elf. Now.”

Ori thought he had sounded very sure of himself, very believable.

The three dwarves laughed at his face.

“Kid, if your brother had taught you anything, you wouldn’t be here, not now in full daylight. You’d do think his way, in the middle of the night to stab us in the back.”

“Instead of which, I come here under the sun, where you can perfectly see me, with a sword in plain sight,” Ori noted with the same smile Dori had when she talked to that neighbour she hated. “So it might be that I am very stupid, or it might be that I’m very confident. I am not my brother. His ways aren’t mine, his weapons aren’t mine... but I can still make you free that elf if I want to.”

His smile shifted a little, become Nori’s grin, the one he had when he knew he was winning an argument. Ori didn’t feel like he was winning at all, but once again, they didn’t have to know that. And to his surprise, it worked, if only a little: the leader laughed again, but the other two dwarves didn’t, and they even exchanged a look.

“I think I’ll say you’re very stupid,” their chief spat. “You’re just a kid. Bet you don’t even know how to hold a sword. Look at you, with your pretty little face and your delicate little hands... ah! I’ve known whores who were tougher that you!”

Ori drew out his sword in a swift motion and held it against the other dwarf’s throat.

Thank the Maker, even after years of not touching a weapon, he could still do that at least. He just prayed that he wouldn’t have to fight. He’d never been very good at that, not even when he was training regularly with Kili and Fili. But he couldn’t let it show, couldn’t let them know that he was terrified and that he’d just used his only fighting trick to show off. He had to let them think he was worthy of being Nori’s brother, that he could be as strong and brave and deadly like Nori was.

“Free the elf,” Ori said slowly, his eyes fixed on the other dwarf’s. “I’d rather not have to kill you, but I will if you leave me no other choice.”

For a second, a brief second, Ori saw fear in the other dwarf’s eyes, and the thought that he had done that, with little more than his words, felt amazing.

Of course it didn’t last, and the following second the dwarf had grabbed his wrist, pulling him forward as he kicked his knees. Ori couldn’t refrain a cry as he dropped his sword. He’d been in a fight or two, but never like that, never with someone who really wanted to hurt him, and he wasn’t prepared for such intense pain.

The other dwarf laughed again. “You’re even weaker than I thought, kid. It’ll be so much fun to torture you until your brother comes running to save you. You’ve got a lovely little voice, I’ll enjoy making you squeal.”

Ori bit his lip, trying to hold back the whimpers that still tried to escape from his mouth. He wasn’t sure he could even move his bent his knees, not the right one at least. The left felt a little less bad, so he might still be able to kick if nothing else.

“Elgr, look!” One of the other dwarf grunted. “We’ve got more company.”

“What?”

“Two... no, three horsmen, I’d say. Dwarves.”

The leader, Elgr, looked into the distance, then glared at Ori.

And that was his chance.

He forced himself to smile, in spite of the pain, and even managed to laugh.

“You didn’t really think I’d come alone, did you?” he asked. “That’s Thorin Oakenshield coming, and with him are his shield-brother Dwalin and his brother-in-law Gili. I told you you’d regret it if you didn’t let the elf go. I never said I’d be the one making you regret.”

“You lying little shit, if you think I’ll listen to your...”

“Wait, I think he’s telling the truth,” the third dwarf said. “I think that’s really Dwalin son of Fundin there. Or if not him, then another giant with a bald head.”

Ori saw Elgr hesitate. If they waited long enough to be sure who was coming, they wouldn’t be able to flee. If they tried to take Ori and Amdir with them, they wouldn’t be able to flee. Which meant they could run away right now, or kill the skald and the elf and then run away.

Ori begged to Mahal that they would pick the first choice.

They did.

The young dwarf cried in relief as he listened to their ponies leaving.

This had been the most stupid thing he’d ever done in his life, and he could have been killed or tortured, but he hadn’t, he had survived and his plan had worked.

Not that he’d had much of a plan to begin with, but still.

He was still crying when Amdir managed to free himself from the ropes binding him. The elf grabbed him and, lifting him as if he weighed nothing, pulled him into his arms for a tight hug.

“My wonderful little dwarf,” he sighed. “My wonderful, stupid little dwarf. You are just as much of an idiot as your kind always is. What is it that you didn’t understand about go straight ahead and don’t turn back, you dumb little thing?”

“Are you angry at me, or happy?”

“Both, you damn creature. Oh, that’s why I hate dwarves. You lot never do what I expect. But thank you. Are you sure you don’t want to elope with me? Because just imagine, I’d get to say that I seduced a dwarf and that you fought the Mithril Eye for me. Everyone would be green with envy.”

Ori just snorted, laughing as much as he was crying, and just happy to be alive.

* * *

 

Thorin, on the other hand, wasn’t happy at all with what had happened, but of course that had to be expected.

He called Ori all sorts of thing, ‘foolish imbecile’ being the kindest of them all, glaring at Amdir every other word. Ori didn’t really mind though.

Well, he did mind being yelled at, and he minded a lot that Thorin would tell Dori everything. But he globally didn’t mind, because he had done the right thing, and it had worked, and Amdir was safe thanks to him. The rest didn’t really matter. Or, well, it did matter, but it was things he could deal with. The guilt of Amdir’s death, on the other hand, was a thing he couldn’t have dealt with, not if he had had a thousand years to live.

“And you, elf,” Thorin said once he had run out of ways to insult Ori. “I do not know what lies you told that child that would make him put himself in such danger for your sake, but this is the last time you’re seeing Ori. We are taking the child back to his family, and you are not invited, nor to contact any of us ever again.”

“Well, that’s pretty much what I expected,” Amidr admitted, before turning to Ori and grinning at him. “This is the end then, my little dwarf. But never forget, if you ever want to run away from all these boring, hairy warriors, you’ll know where to find me... I don’t think I’ll stay very long with master Reuel now, but I’ll make sure to leave an address. And if you ever stop by the Greenwoods, think of me, eh?”

“If I do, I will,” Ori promised. And then, because Thorin already despised him anyway, and because he liked Amdir, he hugged the elf. “I’m going to miss you, you know.”

“And I you, my little dwarf. Don’t forget me, and I shan’t forget you.”

Ori managed not to cry again as he watched the elf ride away on his horse, but it was a close thing.

Amdir had been one of his best friends, his only friend, in fact, because it had been so long since he’d last talked to Kili and Fili, and now he was going away for ever, just because everyone was stupid.

And when Ori turned, and saw the anger in Thorin’s eye, he wondered if he shouldn’t have gone away with Amdir after all.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are coming outs, and crying, and hugging, and friends being friends

After Amdir’s departure, Gili checked Ori’s knee, and declared there was nothing really wrong with it, but that he should expect some pains and a beautiful bruise. No lasting damage though. Ori, it seemed, had been lucky, and he was judged well enough to ride back to the grove. Fili was still there, waiting for them, and the older dwarves clearly didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. There weren’t orcs this close to the mountains, not usually, but no one wanted to risk anything.

No one talked to Ori on the ride back to the camp. They did not talk to him either at the camp. Nor as they rode again, toward the mountains.

When they stopped to eat and give the ponies some rest, though, Dwalin sat next to him.

“You’re a brave little thing, lass,” he told him. “Not much brains, but a lot of courage.”

“Not a lass,” Ori grumbled, chewing half-heartedly on a piece of bread. “But thanks.”

“You don’t look like a lad to me, kid.”

Ori shrugged, and bit hard into his piece of cheese.

It had been so easy, living in a town of Men. People saw he had a beard, and never questioned that he was a man. Most of them didn’t even know there were female dwarves, which made it even easier to be seen for what he really was. But among dwarves? They all saw he didn’t walk the right way, didn’t talk the right way, didn’t act the right way. Dwarves knew it took more than a beard to be a man. They knew it took more than not having breasts. Being a man was in the way you acted, it was something deep within you...

And while Ori did feel it deep within himself, he knew that it never really managed to make it to the surface.

“And what are you then, if you're not a girl?” Dwalin insisted.

“I am a skald,” Ori proudly announced.

Dwalin threw him a strange look, but didn't say anything.

At least he hadn't laughed or gotten angry, Ori thought. That was a good sign. Or at least, it wasn't a bad one. He could only hope that Dori would react with the same level of indifference.

He knew she wouldn't.

That was a conversation he wasn't looking forward to, but that he knew he couldn't avoid. He would _not_ be treated as a girl again, not after so much time of being seen as who he was.

* * *

  
  


They arrived home a little before sunset, and while Fili and Dwalin took care of their ponies, Gili and Thorin took Ori... home. It didn't really _feel_ like home. But he supposed it was. His sister lived there, he was going to live there, at least until he figured out how to really live as a skald... if that wasn't home, then what was?

When Dori opened the door, she looked the same as ever, smiling politely at Thorin and Gili.

Her smiled disappeared and she noticed Ori.

“We found her on the way,” Gili explained. “Your brother got in trouble it seems, and trouble tried to get to your sister, but she escaped in time and she was fine. Lucky for her we were here.”

Ori glared at him. They hadn't been all that helpful, really. All they had done was show up at the right moment, and even that they had done only because he'd forced them to do it, or else they would have gladly abandoned Amdir to die. He didn’t have the occasion to say so, though, because Dori grabbed him and pulled him to herself, hugging her tightly.

“Oh, my poor girl, alone in the wild...”

“I’m fine!” Ori complained, trying to escape. “I’m fine and I was fine before I met them. I didn’t need them, really.”

Dori only hugged him tighter, making it hard to breathe.

“Shush! Don’t be rude! I can’t believe...” looking at Gili and Thorin, Dori smiled gratefully. “Thank you so much for protecting my sister, I am forever in your debt for this. Ori, darling, thank them for their help.”

“But...”

“ _Now_ , Ori.”

The young dwarf clenched his fists. That wasn’t a good start. But he had to put Dori in a good, or at least as good a mood as could ever be achieved with her, or she’d react even worse when he’d tell her everything he had to say. Forcing a smile to his lips, he managed to escape Dori’s hold and, turning to the king and his brother in law and bowing to them.

“I thank you, my lord, for your help. I will not forget with which kindness you treated me and my friend.”

That earned him a glare from both nobles, but Thorin quickly recovered.

“That was nothing, young master. I am glad you agree we treated your friend just as he deserved. I hope you will not mourn his company too long, though, and that you will remember that you have other friends here. I am sure my nephews will be delighted to have your company again. I think Kili in particular missed you. And now, it is time for us to go. Until next time, I suppose.”

Dori thanked them again, and dragged Ori inside. She looked... furious, though about what exactly, it was hard to say. She had plenty of reasons to be angry, from Ori’s less than polite treatment of the king, to his clothes and haircut, not to mention his travelling alone. That was the nice thing with Dori, she always found a reason to be angry and disappointed.

It came as a bit of a surprise when, instead of yelling at Ori, she hugged him again.

“Oh, I had missed you!” Dori claimed. “I’m so glad to have you back at last, even if I’d have liked to know in advance... Oh, I knew Nori would only bring problems! I should never have allowed him near you at all... But you’re safe, and you’re home... It’s a shame for your apprenticeship, but I’m sure we’ll...”

“It’s okay, I’m done learning. Master Reuel gave me a braid, and a letter to prove it. I’m a proper copyist now.”

Dori grimaced, as if she didn’t find that to be good news. She probably didn’t. She’d never made a secret that she didn’t like her sibling’s chosen profession.

And sadly, that also brought her attention to Ori’s hair. He’d cut it himself, with just some help from Lizzie for the back, and he knew it was... less than perfect. But it was a boy’s haircut, and one that was practical, because his hair couldn’t get in his eyes while he worked. Dori wouldn’t see things that way, of course. She’d just see that it wasn’t girl’s hair.

“What happened to you?” Dori asked, touching a braid with the tip of her fingers. “Was this Nori’s idea? For a safer travel? It’s not a bad idea, but he could have...”

“No, that’s... I did that myself, a while ago.”

“Why would you do that? You had such lovely long hair, and you were so pretty!”

“But I don’t want to be pretty,” Ori mumbled.

He should have waited. He hadn’t been home even five minutes, he should have waited, because that was throwing too many things at once into Dori’s face, after years of not seeing her... but if he waited, the status quo would come back, and he’d soon end up agreeing to dresses to please his sister, and she’d introduce him to people she wanted him to maybe marry, and they’d all treat him as a girl and it’d be too late to explain.

This was a very bad moment, but if he waited, it’d be worse.

“I don’t want to be pretty,” he repeated, a little louder. “Pretty is for girls. I’m not a girl. I’m a boy.”

“No you’re not.”

That felt like a blow.

He’d known she’d say that, he’d known Dori wouldn’t understand, but it still hurt.

“Is this something Nori put into your head?” his sister then asked, because, of course, her first reaction was to blame their brother.

“I can decide things on my own!” Ori protested. “I’m a dwarf, an adult dwarf...”

“You’re not an adult, you’re barely sixty!”

“I am an adult, though! I have finished my apprenticeship, I have a braid and a letter to prove it, and so according to our laws, I am to be treated as an adult! I... I... I am a boy! Maybe not the most boyish of them all, but I still am, and...”

“Is this about you not wanting children again?” Dori asked, glowering. “Being a boy won’t change that you know, so stop trying to escape...”

“I’m not trying to escape, I’m trying to be who I am!” Ori exploded. “I’m not a girl, can’t you just... just accept that when I say it, instead of treating me like a baby? Nori accepted me, and he said he was happy as long as I was happy, so why can’t you be happy for me too?”

Dori took a step back, as if she had been struck. It was a nasty trick to use Nori’s reaction against her, because saying she wasn’t as good as him was the worst insult to give her, but then again, it was the truth. Dori was supposed to be reliable and loving and nice, it was what she tried to be, so if she couldn’t be as good and accepting as someone who didn’t even care enough about his siblings to stay in contact with them most of the time.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Dori decided. “It’s late, and you’re tired. I’ll pretend you didn’t say...”

“Pretend all you want,” Ori retorted. “It won’t change who I am, and I’m not going to pretend, not anymore.”

Dori glared at him.

“You are tired,” she repeated coldly. “Take your things to your room. I’ll bring you something to eat, but you should rest now.”

Ori almost tried to tell her again that sending him away wouldn’t change anything, but he thought better of it. He’d said what he had to say, and if she wanted to pretend, then it was her problem. He wouldn’t hide anymore.

At least, she hadn’t sent him away, or said she’d force him to be a girl, he thought as he went to his room.

Not yet, at least.

And if she did try anything like that, he’d fight back. He was a man, and he was a skald, and now that he knew it, no one could take it away from him. Not even Dori. And anyway, he thought as he let himself fall on his old bed, it wasn’t as if he were going to stay. He was supposed to travel, if he wanted to really be a skald, and if Dori was too much of a problem, he’d just... start travelling sooner than expected.

He hoped it wouldn’t have to happen like that though. He wasn’t prepared to travel alone. He didn’t know the first thing about travelling alone, and he didn’t know where he’d go, he didn’t have enough money to buy the things he’d need to wander in the mountains. He didn’t even have any winter clothes: all of them were at master Reuel’s, and the things that were in his room were old and most likely too small for him now. He barely knew how to ride, he hadn’t trained in fighting in years, he just wouldn’t survive if he was forced to leave right away...

There was a knock on the door, and Ori quickly wiped away the tears he most certainly had not shed, not at all, before telling Dori she could come in. She looked just as distressed as Ori felt, which he decided to take as a good sign. She wouldn’t look so sad if she was going to kick him out, would she?

“I have some apple pie,” Dori said, handing out a plate that was a peace offering. “You still like that, don’t you?”

Ori nodded, and took the plate, avoiding to look at his sister.

Dori came to sit next to him on the bed, refusing to look at him too.

“I don’t understand how you can say you’re a boy,” she sighed. “You’ve never acted like one, you’ve never liked to fight, you’ve always been quiet, you’ve always preferred to stay home... how can you say you’re a man when everything about you screams you are a girl? I know the idea of being a mother one day terrifies you, but you... you don’t have to do this to not be one. No one is going to force you. I am sorry that I’ve always said that you... that I’ve always implied you had to. You don’t.”

“Oh. Thanks. But I... I’m still a boy. I know it, Dori, I just know. Not because it feels right to act like a man, but because it feels so wrong to be treated as a woman. I don’t... I don’t want skirts and dresses, I don’t want to stay at home and take care of a business, I want... I want to see the world and learn about it, I want... I want to travel to all the places a dwarf can travel to... I want to do so many things, Dori!”

He raised his eyes from the plate, and dared to look at his sister. She looked even more confused and distressed than when she had come in, but she still wasn’t kicking him out.

“I don’t... I don’t understand,” Dori admitted. “It’s not... it doesn’t make sense. You’ve always been a girl, no one has ever had any doubt about that, just like no one ever doubted Fili and Kili were boys, it’s not... it doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, you were wrong,” Ori claimed, thinking of Kili who had never been a boy, not when you asked her. “I say I am a boy... isn’t that enough? I’ll learn boys things, I’ll learn how to hunt and live in the wild... I’ll ask Fili to show me... But even if the entire world told me I was a girl and forced me to wear a dress, I’d still be who I am, Dori...”

“I just don’t understand...” Dori repeated, before looking at her brother with a strange light in her eyes. “But then, this is a strange world we live in, and these are strange times... there are many things I don’t understand. I’ll... do my best. If that makes you happy, I’ll try to... treat you as a boy, if that’s what you want at the moment.”

That at the moment didn’t please Ori too much. He had lived as a man for _years_ , he was quite sure of himself now. He didn’t say anything, though. Dori was making an effort, and that was already a lot. And sooner or later, she’d understand that this wasn’t just a passing fancy, she’d have to see that this was who he really was, who he had always been without knowing it, and who he would always be.

“You’ll have to let me do something about your hair though,” Dori grumbled. “You look like a pony with the mange, that just won’t do.”

Ori broke into tears, and throwing his slice of pie to the side, he took Dori in his arms, hugging her tight. She lost no time in hugging back, and he was sure she was crying just as much as him. Things weren’t right, not yet, but it was a first step.

* * *

  
  


The following morning, Dori woke him up at dawn to do cut his hair in what she claimed to be a more flattering shape. It was an improvement compared to what it was before, but it would be a while before he looked like anything but a scarecrow, he thought sadly. But at least, as Dori told him before she left to work, he could now go see Fili and Kili without bringing eternal shame on the family.

The thought made Ori both nervous and ecstatic. If things had gone according to plan, Kili would have been the very first dwarf he would have told everything. Now she would be the third (or fourth, if master Dwalin counted) but in his eyes, she was the most important one. He felt sure that Kili would understand, really understand. She knew what it felt like to be treated as something you knew you weren’t, and she’s certainly be happy to have someone to talk to about that, and maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to help her fight again to be seen for what she was...

He just couldn’t wait to see her again.

Waiting until it was a decent out to go visit was torture, but he took advantage of it to go through the few clothes that Nori left in the house. His brother was a little taller and thinner than him, but there were a thing or two he could use for himself. He really hadn’t left with many clothes, and he’d rather use trousers too long for him than have to wear a skirt.

When, at last, he felt like he wouldn’t risk being too unwanted, Ori ran out of the house to go see the royal family. Even with his slightly painful knee, he’d never gotten to their place so fast, he was sure of it, and he was breathless when the lady Dis opened the door to him. She smirked at him, and invited him inside.

“I’ll call Kili, just wait a second. I suppose he can miss a morning of lessons,” Dis sighed. “Or even a full day. It’s not like he listens to anything Balin says, anyway.”

She left Ori alone in the kitchen, but not for long. Less than a minute later he heard the sound of heavy boots running his way, and in the blink of an eye Kili had jumped in his arms, nearly making him fall.

“You’re back!” She shouted. “You’re back, you’re back! I thought Fili and father were just joking, but it’s true, you’re really here! Oh! You cut you hair? And what happened to your clothes? And I think you grew small, didn’t you?”

“No, you’re the one who’s too tall!” Ori laughed. “Soon you’ll be as big as your uncle or master Dwalin! You’re supposed to stop growing at some point, you know!”

“And you’re supposed to start growing,” she retorted with a grin, before going serious. “I had missed you, Ori. You’ve been gone so long this time! We were all starting to think you’d stay among the humans, that you’d be like your brother and never come home again... You didn’t even write. What sort of a scribe doesn’t write home?”

She looked so heartbroken at the idea that Ori decided not to correct her about his job. He had missed her, of course, but she’d been so strange the last time he’d been there, barely talking to him at all, that he’d thought she wouldn’t mind that he was gone.

“You children go out to talk,” Dis ordered. “I won’t have you hanging around and eating all my biscuits, not this time! Kee, why don’t you show Ori how well you can use your bow now? I’m sure she’ll be very impressed.”

Kili glared at her mother as if Dis had said some great insult. She deigned not answer, and instead grabbed Ori by the hand to drag him outside. Behind them, Dis laughed and shouted that Ori should have lunch with them, which only made Kili walk faster.

“Don’t listen to her,” the princess grumbled. “She thinks she’s funny.”

“She just invited me, what’s meant to be funny in that?”

Kili stopped and looked at Ori, half surprised and half embarrassed.

“Nothing,” she eventually said. “So, hem... what do you... what do you want to do? We don’t have to... it’d be boring for you probably to look at me shooting... I mean, it’s true I’m good enough, but it’s not much fun, so we... we could do something else... do you have any new drawings? I’d love to see them if you do!”

“I... Actually, I have... something to tell you. It’s... sort of important, and... Would it be okay for you to come to my house so I tell you? Or, or we can go somewhere else, but I... I really want to tell you, please?”

Kili blushed, but nodded eagerly. They walked together in silence, and once they were home, Ori offered her some tea, which she refused. She looked oddly nervous, twisting her finger and not being able to stop moving in her chair. Not that Ori was much better: he paced in front of her, unable to stay in one place.

“So, what did you want to say?” she asked, her voice higher than usual. “You said it was important.”

“It is,” Ori replied. “I... You should have been the first person to know, you know, but stuff happened and I had to tell Nori and Dori, but I meant to let you know first...”

The princess frowned at that, but didn’t say anything. Ori took a deep breath and stopped walking. He could do that. He had to do that. He had to tell Kili because if she didn’t get it, then no one else ever would.

“I’m a boy,” he announced, and the words came more easily than with Dori. “I know I don’t look much like one, and I don’t really act like one, but I am one, I... I know it, because I’m not... I can’t be a girl, I’ll never be a girl, so I am a boy. And I... I wanted to tell you, because you’re my best friend, you’ve always been my best friend, and you’re the person I’ve wanted to tell about it most of all.”

Biting his lips, Ori looked at his feet. He couldn’t bear the idea of maybe looking at Kili and see disgust on her face, or mockery, or anything like that. She had to understand. He could deal with Dori thinking it was just a phase, but if Kili didn’t see him as he was... if she had changed too much and didn’t understand that anymore... He needed her to understand, because if she didn’t...

“That explains the hair, and the clothes,” Kili said softly, rising from her chair. “Ok, so you’re a boy. That means you’ll have to come training with me and Fee now, I hope you realize that. You can’t escape it. We’ll have tons of boy bonding time, the three of us.”

At last Ori dared to look up, and she was smiling at him. He smiled back, and felt tears coming to his eyes. Kili accepted him, Kili treated him as a boy, Kili was wonderful, as usual.

The tears started flowing. Kili gasped and took him in her arms.

“Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry if I said something wrong, please don’t cry, I’m sorry and I won’t do it again!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Ori sobbed. “You are wonderful. I was afraid... I thought maybe you didn’t remember what he was like... because you’ve stopped correcting people, so I thought... but you’re so nice, so nice...”

He felt her tense in his arms, but she didn’t pull away, holding him tight instead.

“You can’t let them force you to change,” she whispered sadly. “Don’t let them make you change like they did to me. I’ll help you, I’ll fight with you. If you say you’re a boy then you’re one, and until you say otherwise I won’t let anyone see you as anything but a boy, count on me. You said you’ve told Dori? How did she react?”

“She got very angry, but then she said she’d try to... to treat me as a boy... And I’ve told Nori a while ago, and he’s really fine with it.”

“He’s never there, so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t like it,” Kili claimed, pulling back from their hug at last. “But it’s nice if he’s on your side. And so am I! And Fili will be too, or I’ll kick his ass until he is. We’ll teach you to really fight like a man and walk like a man, and all the stuff only guys know. There’s some fun things about being a boy. You can’t wear skirts, but there’s some nice stuff.”

Ori smiled at her, and he felt so happy he almost wanted to kiss her for how _nice_ she was about the whole thing. But then, how could Kili have been anything but amazing about this?

He could only hope he’d be able to help her too. It wouldn’t be fair for her to be stuck pretending to be someone she wasn’t, and even less if she helped him be seen as who he was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori figures out a few things, some of which concern Kili

Kili hadn’t lied when she’d promised that she would make Ori train with her. She had even managed to convince Fili to help, and master Dwalin.

It wasn’t too surprising that she’d have bullied her brother into joining them. Fili was a wise dwarf, and he had learned long ago that unless he had a good reason, it was often easier to just to what his sister wanted. He hadn’t look very convinced by the idea that Ori was a man, but he hadn’t protested in any way, and he was clearly doing his best to treat him as one of the boys.

But master Dwalin was a surprise.

He was everything a man was meant to be: he was strong and a good fighter, afraid of nothing, but kind to those who needed it, and everyone knew he was just and fair no matter what. He was Thorin’s friends, and the royal siblings’ weapon master. And still, he had agreed to use some of his time to teach Ori.

“You’re that type, kid,” was his only explanation. “The sort that will always manage to get in trouble because you’ve got principles. Might as well let you know how to defend these principles, eh? But if you go saving any more elves, don’t say I was your teacher.”

He had laughed then, before giving Ori a large hammer, and showing him how to properly hold it. After a decade and a half of not touching a single weapon, he was a little rusty. Not that he’d ever been that great to begin with. He’d never really been as fond of fighting as Kili or Fili. He still wasn’t, but he had a motivation to become good this time around: he wouldn’t be a proper skald if he didn’t travel, and he couldn’t travel if he wasn’t able to defend himself. So he did his best, copying every movement that the other three showed him and repeating them until his entire body hurt but he did things _right_.

Dori wasn’t too happy with that, of course. She wanted him to start looking for a position as a copyist, even encouraging to take work as a scribe until then, since it was ‘almost the same thing in the end, with words on paper’. Ori smiled at her, and each time he promised he’d try to drop a word about it to lady Dis, but he never did. He couldn’t take a position as anything, not yet. It would make it so difficult to travel when the time came, and anyway he still had a few savings to help Dori for a moment.

He hadn’t really told anyone about being a skald, not yet. He was waiting for the right moment, and to see how well the accepted him as a boy first. And there was the fact that he didn’t want to admit that he’d been taught about dwarven traditions by an elf, too. Though really, that was their damn fault if he’d been forced to do that: if everyone hadn’t thrown it to his face that he’d never be a skald for no other reason than their lack of will to teach him anything, he’d _never_ have accepted Amdir’s offer.

Still, he was starting to act as a skald, as much as he dared. Whenever he could, he asked to hear about old tales of Erebor. Most people he knew didn’t want to talk about it, the memories of it too painful for them, but once more, master Dwalin proved to be a good surprise, and he was always more than happy to talk.

“I miss the place,” he once told Ori. “It was beautiful, something other than what we have here. A might town, with all the dwarves living underground. There were a few on the surface, but it was a choice, or because they were in Dale to make business. Most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. The outer parts had great windows, and for the deeper levels there was a system with mirrors, and glowing plants, mushrooms and lichens of all hues… It was a good place to be a dwarf. Not like here where we are forced to live as if we were just short Men or tall hobbits. It’s not good for us. It’s not _right_.”

“It’s not so bad…” Ori protested, feeling like defending a little the place he’d lived in for most of his life.

“If you’ve never known anything else. But it’s changing us… look at you, boy. In Erebor, your sister would never have denied so much that you are a boy. But here? We need the men to be stronger, we need the women to be better at their crafts, and there’s no place for people in between… and you _are_ in between.”

“I am a _man_!”

“A man who doesn’t like fighting that much,” Dwalin reminded him. “You don’t see as something glorious the way the princes do… it’s just a mean to an end, and that end is to have people see you as a man, isn’t it? And since you’re a little small, and not too bad at your business with books, from what I’ve heard, your sister and a few others thinks it means you are a girl. It wouldn’t have been like that in Erebor. Back there, you had a choice, and Thorin’s own brother... Some people wouldn’t like it, but at the end of things, _your_ words had more value than _their_ opinions. But here… here, we’re starting to think the way Men do, and that’s not _right_.”

Ori frowned. That was another thing no one had ever told him.

Somehow, it made him think of Kili, who had so long claimed high and loud that she was a girl… until the pressure had grown too much and she’d given up on that, even though it was clear it pained her when people told her she was “one of the boys”. To think that this wouldn’t have happened to her if they had just lived somewhere else… It felt so terribly unfair.

  
  


It hurt, really, to see the princess so resigned to her fate, especially now that he’d found the strength to fight to be who he was. He wanted to help her, but sometimes he wasn’t even sure she wanted help at all.

“It’s not so bad,” she told him sometimes during their improvised lessons on manly behaviour, where she corrected the way he walked and moved. “You get used to it. The clothes are practical, I get to learn how to fight… just a couple more years, and I’ll be allowed to go with the others when they travel for business, and that’s… that’s worth a few sacrifices. I… I miss dresses, and I miss making myself pretty… I also miss a little that I don’t spend as much time in the forge these days… but I had to make a choice, you know? Being a boy isn’t so bad.”

“But it’s not you,” Ori pointed out. “Not _all_ of you.”

“Just like fighting isn’t you, just like you’re learning to walk and talk in a way that isn’t really you.”

“I don’t know. It’s less me, but it doesn’t feel wrong, and it helps people see me for who I really am… whereas you’re doing things that hide the real you. It’s really not the same.”

Kili glared at him then, but she looked more hurt than angry. Ori had decided to let it go for that time. Hurting her was the very last thing he could ever want. After his brother and sister, she was the most important person in his life after all.

  
  


It was a couple weeks after his return that Ori decided that he needed to get rid of all his old girl things.

He had two reason for that. First, if there was anything in a state that allowed it to be sold, it meant a little money to buy new clothes, not a single one of which would be a bloody dress or a damn skirt. Secondly, if he didn’t own any girl clothes, no one could force him to wear any.

It wasn’t that he suspected Dori of just being waiting for him to come to his senses, but a little. After all she disapproved of his efforts to learn how to fight and travel, and she had that scowl on her face whenever she saw him walking these days…

Better not take any risks.

Kili was more than happy to help, of course. Any excuse was good to spend time together, as she said herself. It always made Ori both very happy and, strangely, a little sad when she said things like that, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. His only consolation was that sometimes, Kili too looked almost sad when she looked at him… which wasn’t much of a consolation at all, really. He wanted Kili to be happy when she was with him. He wanted her to be happy at all times, but even more so when they were together.

Thankfully, they had a great deal of fun going through his old clothes, commenting on the things they found really ugly (the cardigans Ori had worn to hide his curves, really! And Dori had let him go out dressed like that?) or particularly pretty.

There was a very nice blue dress in particular that caught Kili eyes, and Ori couldn’t blame her for it. It was a beautiful thing, a present he’d gotten from the lady Dis on a visit home… one that he’d never worn because it had been too… fitting to quite fit his tastes.

“Meaning it showed your breasts,” Kili teased gently when he told her that. “Yeah, it’d be hard to hide that you’re a girl wearing that. I bet even Dwalin could look like a woman with that on.”

“D’you wanna try it on?” Ori asked.

“Ori…” Kili started, just a hint of a warning to her voice. Normally that would have been enough for him to let go, because he didn’t want to _hurt_ her, but she kept throwing those longing glances toward the dress, and she wouldn’t stop brushing her fingers against the beautiful embroidery decorating it, and even if it might hurt her, this time Ori had to insist.

“It’s just us, and you know I’ll never judge you for it,” he claimed. “Kili, it’s just us, and I know you’re a girl, I’ve never treated you as anything else, so you’re safe with me. I won’t tell anyone if that scares you, if it’s become so important to have all these idiots treat you as a boy. But you’d look so pretty in it…”

“I’d look stupid, you mean,” she pouted. “And I am a boy… we’ve talked about it, Ori. I don’t like it, no more than _you_ liked being a _girl…_ but I can’t fight the way you did, ‘cause I don’t have anything to fight for, not like you… I act like a boy most of the time, it’s only normal that…”

“Dwalin said in Erebor, you’d have been a girl,” Ori quickly cut her.

It wasn’t exactly what he’d said of course, since they’d been talking about Ori at the time, but it would have worked for Kili too, he was sure of it. If no one could have denied that he was a boy in Erebor, even when he’d understood it so late, then it would have worked for Kili too, who had claimed high and loud that she was a girl for so many years until the voices of everyone around her had become too much and she’d given up on fighting.

Or maybe she’d not given up as much as she’d learned to be silent, because her eyes suddenly lit up.

“Dwalin said that?”

“He said something to that effect, yeah. He said things were _different_ back there for… for people like us.”

Kili frowned, biting her bottom lip, her fingers distractedly tracing the patterns on the blue dress.

“You wouldn’t… tell anyone that I’ve worn it, right? Only mama… a couple years back, I… I borrowed one of her dresses, and she got… sort of angry, because that’s not appropriate behaviour for a prince of Erebor, or something.”

“But it’s just fine for a _princess_ to wear a dress though,” Ori pointed out, and she smiled at him. “Still, I promise I won’t say anything to anyone, don’t you worry. If you want to be a girl only in secret, then that’s fine with me.”

Especially if it was a secret she’d share only with him.

“Very well then,” Kili sighed dramatically. “I’ll wear it, but only because you insisted so much. I can’t believe you want to see me in a bloody dress so badly, really.”

“I do though,” Ori replied more earnestly than he’d have expected, and he felt himself blush a little. “You’d be so pretty… well, you always are of course, but you’d be even prettier like that.”

The princess blushed too, and for a short second Ori thought she might… do something.

He wasn’t sure what it might have been, and she didn’t in the end, but he sort of wished she had. He was almost sure it would have been something very nice.

Instead, he found himself kicked out of his own room all of a sudden, Kili laughing as she claimed that she just couldn’t change in front of a _boy_.

“It’s not like we don’t have the same parts,” Ori protested through the door, glad that Dori was at work. “I’m aware of what a girl looks like under her clothes.”

“Yeah, but you don’t know what this particular girl looks like, and we’ll keep it that way for now, thanks.”

“Not true. We took baths together when we were kids. I’ve seen you naked, and your brother too.”

“Yeah, but that’s not… hang on!” There was some noise inside, which Ori recognized as the struggle to get into unfamiliar clothes, and then Kili spoke again. “There’s a difference between being naked in a bath as kids, and being naked as an adult in your bedroom. I mean, how would you feel if you had to undress in front of me in my room?”

A sudden wave of warmth submerged Ori, and he dared not answer, because he wasn’t sure if he’d have wanted that very much, or not at all.It was a relief when Kili announced that he could come back in.

The dress didn’t fit quite right, of course, since the princess was both taller and thinner than Ori, and on anyone else it would have looked strange, ridiculous even. On Kili, it was perfect. Maybe it was the slight blush on her cheeks, or her wide smile as she spinned around, of the fact that Ori could see more of her breast that he should have through the neckline that was too large and too low on her thin body. Maybe it was just because it was Kili, and Ori realized was a frightening clarity that she could wear anything at all, or even nothing, and she would be perfect, just because she was _Kili_.

“Well, how do I look?” she asked.

 _Happy_ , Ori thought.

“Very pretty. That colour is good on you, and the dress fits you well.”

“Now I know you’re lying!” she laughed. “It’s not really the right size at all.”

“It could be. It’d be easy enough to have it fight you… We can’t make it longer, but I can make it less… big, and if you just wore a white petticoat with it… it’d be quite nice.”

Kili stared at him as if he’d offered to go get a Silmaril for her.

“You could do that?”

“Sure, why not? It’s been a while since I’ve sewn anything, but it doesn’t mean I can’t, and it wouldn’t be the most difficult thing in the world. D’you want me to?”

She bit her lip again, and Ori wished she wouldn’t. She had such pretty lips, she shouldn’t have damaged them that way.

“It would be selfish of me to ask that of you,” she said hesitantly. “You could get a fair bit of money for that dress, it’d be better than… than changing it to fit someone who’ll never even wear it where people can see…”

“I’ve got other ways to get money,” Ori protested. “I’m thinking I might take work as a scribe for a little while, even if I’m not much good at that… Money’s easy to get, but it’s been a long while since I saw you smile like that. I had missed it.”

Somehow, that made Kili bite her lip even harder, and her entire face had gone red. Ori wondered if he’d said too much, or something too weird, but much to his relief, the princess quickly nodded.

“If that’s no trouble, then yeah, I’d love it if you… if you made the dress a little more right for me. Will it be alright with Dori though?”

“She won’t know it, don’t worry. I’m not sure I’ve got anything to make you a petticoat though… we’ll have to buy you one… or steal one from your mother. She’s about your size, isn’t she?”

“Close enough, yeah… oh, thank you so much!” Kili cried, jumping in his arms. “You are the very best person in the world, and I am so lucky to have you!”

Ori almost protested that out of the two, he felt like he was the lucky one, but then she kissed him on the cheek, and they both froze. Once the shock of what she’d done had passed, Kili tried to pull away from him, but Ori threw his arms around her waist to keep her in place, feeling that if he let go of her, she might disappear for ever.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have!” she shouted, trying to escape. “I’m sorry, I really am!”

“Don’t be, it’s… it’s fine, it’s okay! I really don’t mind!”

Kili froze again, looking at him like a wary doe staring at a hunter.

“You don’t mind? Really?”

Ori shook his head quickly, his entire face burning. Then, because he didn’t quite trust himself to speak at the moment, he leant forward to kiss her on the cheek, not quite daring to go for her lips, much as he wanted to.

“Oh,” Kili said. “Oh. Oh, okay. I hoped… I wasn’t sure at all, but I hoped…”

Ori just smiled. He wasn’t sure at all what was going on, and what his feelings were… he just knew that there were feelings, strong ones, that being with Kili felt right, that her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world, that her lips on his skin had felt so nice he could have died of happiness. He didn’t know if that was love, and with Kili a princess it might be better if they weren’t in love, because it wasn’t likely that anyone would let them be together, not with Ori a bastard and a commoner…

He didn’t know what was happening, and it probably was a very bad idea, but he wasn’t selfless enough to give up on something that made Kili look at him like that.

“Can I… can I kiss you?” she asked shyly. “A… a proper kiss? On the lips and everything?”

“Sure,” Ori answered.

It was a little awkward, because she was much taller than him, and neither of them really knew what to do (having kissed an elf once didn’t help as much as Ori could have hoped, in the end). Their lips bumped a little too hard at first, and it was difficult to figure out where to put their hands, especially with the way Kili’s dress was a little too big and slipped, meaning the princess had to keep a hand on it to make sure her breasts didn’t escape. Still, it was pretty nice, and after a moment they started getting the hang of it. Ori felt like he could have kept going for ever.

Of course, Dori had to come in then, claiming that she’d found work for him.

The three of them remained unmoving for a moment, until Kili realized that the dress had slipped too low, showing more of herself than really was proper, so she straightened up and pulled up her clothes again.

That caught Dori’s attention of course, and she started shouting at both of them, but mostly at Ori.

“How far are you going to go with this masquerade of yours?” she yelled, more furious than he had ever seen her. “Isn’t it bad enough that you disguise yourself as a boy, as if you fooled anyone? Isn’t it bad enough that you require us to treat you as a man, when it is so clear to everyone that you cannot be one? No! You had to drag one of the princes down with you, to make him a travesty like you! Oh, I should have know you’d end up just as bad as Nori!”

“Yeah? Well I’m proud of that!” Ori retorted, too terrified to stop himself. “Better be like him than like you! He’s maybe not the most honest, but he’s always there when I need him, and he’s never tried to tell me I wasn’t who I am!”

“Because he doesn’t care!” Dori claimed, dragging her brother out of the room, with a glare to Kili to tell her that she’d better put her real clothes back on. “He’s not the one dealing with the consequences, he doesn’t care that you’re making a fool of yourself, of all of us!”

“Well I wish you wouldn’t care either, because care from you is worse than hate from other people!”

She slapped him then, as that was a shock. As far as Ori could remember it was the first time his sister had ever done such a thin. The blow wasn’t that painful, to be honest, but the knowledge that she was ready to resort to violence rather that to listen to him, to really accept him, hurt more than anything had ever hurt.

She seemed to realize that she’d gone too far, and she tried to apologize, but Ori pushed her away.

“Fuck you,” he spat. “I get it, I’m an embarrassment to you, and you don’t want me the way I am. That’s fine, I’ll just do the same thing Nori did, and I’ll live you alone. That way, you’ll never again have anyone shame you, and you’ll finally be happy without us to bring you down to our level, right? Goodbye then, and have fun on your own.”

And before she could try to stop him, Ori stormed out of the house.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori deals with his decision of running away, and has an unexpected conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows on dust*  
> Can you believe it's been nearly six months since I updated?  
> I'm very sorry for that. A lot happened.
> 
> also: WARNING for brief mention of suicide, for mentions of people living with a gender they're not comfortable with, for not very supportive families
> 
> yay /o/

Ori didn’t go very far before realizing that it had been very stupid of him to run away from the house like that. Not because of the “running away” part, but because he’d left without any money or clothes, nor even his letter from master Reuel to prove he really was a proper copyist. He also had left Kili alone with Dori, which was  _ not  _ a nice thing to have done at all, and he could only hope that his sister would be so shocked by his sudden departure that she wouldn’t make any trouble for the princess.

He’d apologize to Kili later… if he ever saw her again, which wasn’t so likely. He had said he would leave after all, and with Dori against him, he just didn’t have anywhere to live anymore. It really hadn’t been his plan to go away so soon, when he wasn’t anywhere near ready to travel on his own, but he would if he had to.

But for that, he needed his things, and to get his things he needed to get back inside Dori’s house (it wasn’t  _ his _ , not anymore), and that meant finding a place to stay hidden until his sister went out.

Luckily, it wasn’t quite the first time he found himself having to do that, though it was the first time he had such dire motivations for wanting to get inside unseen. But it had happened in the past that he’d ruined a dress while playing with Kili and Fili, which was nearly a sin in Dori’s view of the world, meaning he’d had to wait until she was gone to come inside, get changed, and wash his dress before the crime could be discovered. There was a small barn right across the street, with a window placed just perfectly to spy on Dori’s house.

From there, he saw Kili leave, not very long after him, dressed like a boy once more. But even after what felt like hours, he didn’t see his sister go out. Darkness was falling around him by the time he realized she probably expected him to come back, and it made him furious. She knew she had him trapped of course.

It was more difficult, getting back inside if she was there. Nori could have done it, probably, because Nori could do anything… but Ori wasn’t his brother. The only thing he could do was to prepare for an uncomfortable night in the hay, wait until Dori went to work… and hope she wouldn’t decide to stay home to wait for him. It was unlikely… she had a job, she needed the money, but she might… if she was worried enough, she might. And she would be worried, because she cared for him… or at least, she cared for who she thought he should have been.

Ori sighed, and jumped in the hay, preparing himself for a long and boring night.

And to make everything even better, he was getting hungry.

He was just starting to doze off when someone came inside the barn. Someone with a lantern. Ori hesitated for a second, wondering if there was any chance that this late visitor could see him, half hidden in the straw as he was. If it was Dori come looking for him, he had to be ready to jump on his feet and run away. She was stronger than him, so if she caught him, all was lost, and…

“Master Ori, are you in there?”

The young dwarf froze. That wasn’t Dori’s voice, not at all.

It was Thorin’s.

That really didn’t sound good, he decided. Thorin had no reason to be there, not unless someone had told him to look for Ori… but the only person who could have ask him to do that was Dori, and she hadn’t left the house, so why…

“Kili said you might be here,” the king said. “She is rather worried about the idea that you might spend the night in the cold without food, and asked me to…”

Ori had risen from the hay before Thorin could finish speaking. He didn’t mind the cold, not really, and he was perfectly capable of surviving a missed meal. But Thorin had called Kili  _ she _ . No one but Ori had done that in years, and it had sounded forced. It had come to him naturally, as if he hadn’t been as bad as the others, as if he hadn’t called her a boy all these years… 

“Did Dori say anything bad to her?” Ori asked, perhaps more aggressively than he should have while talking to a king, but Thorin didn’t seem to mind.

“I do not think so, and even if she had, I am not sure it would have reached her. She was too busy being worried about you, as I said, and she begged me to come to your rescue. Kili seemed to think that if someone didn’t stop you, you might run away and never come back.”

“ It’s the plan, yeah,” Ori replied, standing as tall as he could, glaring as if to challenge the other dwarf to stop him. “I can’t stay here anymore, not when Dori keeps wanting to treat me like a girl. I am  _ not  _ a girl!”

Thorin nodded, and smiled sadly. “If you say you are not one, then you are not, indeed. And I understand the… pain of living as someone you are not. Still, I doubt the wiseness of running away on a whim. Travelling takes preparation, and if you truly intend to travel, then you will need supplies, a travel plan, money…” Ori opened his mouth, ready to protest that he was perfectly aware of that. Before he could speak, Thorin came to his side, put an arm around his shoulder, and pulled him toward the street. “You have been a great friend to my niece, and she always looks far happier when you are around, so I will not let you risk your life needlessly, master Ori. I propose we go to my house, and discuss your plans for the future.”

Ori didn’t try to resist. There was no resisting the king’s iron grip… and no matter what bad feelings lingered between them because of Amdir, anyone who so easily called Kili a girl couldn’t entirely be  _ bad _ .

  
  


Thorin’s house was really just a small shed right next to Dis and Gili’s own home, and it very clearly was just a place to sleep and eat in, not a place to live. Most of the king’s business happened at his sister’s home, or sometimes at their cousin’s Gloin, if they needed to be particularly impressive.

Still, it was a nice enough place, and the stew that Ori was required to eat was perfectly decent, though it was difficult to eat with the king’s piercing eyes observing him, without a word spoken between them since they’d left the barn.

“Why do you call Kili a girl?” Ori asked after a moment, when the silence became insufferable.

“Because from her rather panicked explanation of what had happened with your sister, I understood that she was one,” Thorin replied. He smiled then, like a child confessing a naughty deed. “That is not all the truth, of course. I wouldn’t have paid so much attention to the idea of Kili wearing a dress if as a child, she had not insisted for so long on being called a girl. I am glad that she is starting to have the strength to fight again.”

Ori dropped his spoon and glared at the king. “If you’re really glad, then you should have helped her! Why didn’t you support her, why didn’t you help her? She’s been fighting alone for so long, all she needed was  _ one  _ person on her side!”

The king seemed surprised by the accusation, but he didn’t look angry that a mere bastard would dare to question him. If anything, he seemed rather guilty.

“I would have helped her if I could have,” he said, “but I had other responsibilities, and I could not fight for her when I already had so many fights ahead of me. I am a king before I am an uncle, and some choices had to be made. Beside, I had not realized before that it made her unhappy.”

“ Unhappy? She’s  _ miserable _ ! It wouldn’t have taken much,” Ori snarled, standing so fast his chair was pushed back. “Just a  _ few words  _ to her parents…”

“ And do you think a few words to your sister might help  _ your  _ situation, master Ori?”

The younger dwarf froze, and fell back on his chair. Nothing would ever make Dori see him the way he saw himself, he understood that now… It was hopeless, because she had already decided. And if it was the same for Kili’s parents, then they would never accept her either. And it was the same: Kili had  _ said  _ that her mother had been angry when she’d once seen her in a dress. 

And the very idea of it made Ori furious. Dori could be somewhat excused for not understanding, because for most of his life Ori hadn’t really protested against being a girl, and he’d acted girly enough, if only because he saw no other option for himself. His sister had a right to be surprised, and he’d given her time and he’d tried to be nice about it all… but Kili had always said she was a girl, and no one had ever listened, and it wasn’t fair. It made him want to grab his friend and run away with her, to take her somewhere nice where she could be herself and no one would doubt her ever… But that wouldn’t happen, of course. He could go, but she couldn’t because she had friends and reasons to stay. She was a princess, she had responsibilities. If he left, he’d lose her. And she was the most important person in his life, but he  _ couldn’t _ stay, not even for her.

“I’m going to leave,” he told Thorin, looking right into his eyes. “There’s nothing to help with Dori. She’s made her choice and I’ve made mine. I wish I could stay, but I can’t, and that’s why you have to help Kili. You’ve got to tell her parents…”

“I will take care of my niece,” the king cut him, “I think it’s time my sister be reminded what happened last time someone in our family was forced into a role that didn’t quite fit them. We have a history of such things, and they never end too well.” He paused then, and gave Ori a strange look. “Has Kili ever told you of her uncle Frerin?”

Ori shook his head, though he had heard the name before, when he was much younger. The dead prince was rarely ever mentioned in Dis’s presence, and away from her they had no reason to speak of him.

“He died long ago, didn’t he?” Ori asked, before wincing. It probably wasn’t the most tactful way of saying that.

Thorin didn’t seem to mind, and he simply nodded. Still, when the older dwarf spoke again, it was slowly and with a voice that was strangely cold.

“My brother had never doubted that he was a man, and no one would ever have thought to question it,” the king explained. “But his passion did not lay in weapons. His craft was in words, and when Erebor fell, he was training to be a skald. We were all very proud of him, and I must admit that I was glad of his calling. I knew he would be of great help to me once I would rule, especially since we were always very close. More than my brother, he was my best friend, and it made me happy to think I’d have him by my side when I would be queen.”

Ori gasped, unsure he had heard right… but Thorin did not correct himself, and the young dwarf did not dare interrupt him.

“Everything was perfect,” Thorin claimed, “until the dragon came. Suddenly, we were thrown into a world where men were needed more than women, because more than anything we needed to be able to defend ourselves against our enemies, and to fight to claim a new place to live. Some months after the loss of Erebor, Frerin and I decided to make sacrifices for our people… and so that our sister would not have to make them. Frerin renounced to poetry, and sold what few books he’d somehow saved to buy better weapons. I, in turn, renounced to everything I was. The people of Erebor needed princes, strong warriors who would protect them. We would defend our people, and Dis would care for them. The balance seemed just, and we thought it would not last. We all hoped that Khazad Dum could be reclaimed, but then…”

Thorin’s voice broke, and he looked away.

“ Frerin was  _ not  _ a warrior,” he claimed, his voice suddenly rough. “He should  _ never  _ have been in battle. War was not in his nature the way it was for many others, and when the orcs attacked… Frerin should never have been there, never have found himself at the heart of such a bloody mess… he was my brother, my best friend, and the last time I saw him, his body had been almost torn in two. This is what happen when you force someone to act as… as something they aren’t.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Ori whispered. 

Thorin startled, as if he’d forgotten that he  _ wasn’t  _ alone with his memories.

“You remind me of him,” he told Ori. “You look nothing like him, but sometimes… or rather, it is in the way Kili speaks of you, the way I used to talk about Frerin. And I heard her talk with Fili about you being a skald…”

“ I think I would like to be one,” Ori confessed. “But I had no formal training… All I know is what a friend told me, and I know he was no expert, but this is the best that I have… I have to be a skald, your highness, or else I don’t know what I am. I’ve tried being a woman and it felt so wrong, but I’m… I’m not really a warrior either. I only have my words to fight with…There’s nothing else I can be, because everything else  _ hurts _ . So please, please don’t make me go back to Dori. She’ll try to make me be a girl, and I don’t know how much longer I can bear it… I might give in if you force me to go back, and I don’t think I could  _ survive  _ being a girl.”

The very idea made him sick, and he shivered. He could not go back. It had been too long of living as himself, and he could not go back. He  _ had  _ to live as a man, as a skald, because if he didn’t, then he would just die.

When Thorin put one hand on his shoulder, Ori sobbed.

“I will not force you to do anything,” the king promised, and the younger dwarf felt tears running down his cheeks. “I know too well what it is like to be forced to live as what you are not, and I could not wish such a fate to anyone. I will go talk to your sister tomorrow, but I will not force you to go back to her, and if she cannot be reasoned with, I will help you live as you are meant to.”

“Why…”

“It had been years since I had seen Kili smile the way she does around you,” Thorin said with a smile of his own. “I have hope that if things are as bad as you two said, and you really have to leave, helping you means that you might come back and make her smile more.”

Ori blushed, remembering of that kiss with Kili… he doubted that Thorin would still have wanted to keep him around if he’d known that… but it was worth the risk. If he could be himself without losing Kili… and he’d have been sad to never see Fili and Dwalin too, come to think of it. He liked his life here, and if there was any chance that he could come back without fear…

“Thank you,” he sighed. “There are no words for… thank you so much. I am so grateful for your help.”

Thorin smiled, before encouraging him to finish the stew.

“ And then you’ll go to bed, master Ori,” he claimed. “Whether your sister listens to me or not, you will have a long day ahead of you tomorrow.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori and Dori talk about a lot of things

Ori was alone in the house when he woke up, and for a moment he panicked because it wasn’t his house. Then he remembered why he wasn’t in his own room, and his panic increased. It had been easy to trust Thorin’s kind words the night before, when he’d been emotionally and physically exhausted. If anyone could help it was the king… But there was no guarantee that he really would help. He had no reason to, beside Ori’s friendship with Kili, and regrets about his brother…

That wasn’t enough for Ori to expect help. Not after everything else. He was done expecting help.

Ori quickly put back on everything he’d removed for bed, and walked toward the door. He was getting out of there. He would find a way inside Dori’s house, to take back his money, master Reuel’s letter, his clothes, and then he’d…

He didn’t know what he would do, but it would be  _ dramatic _ , and he would never come home again, not until he had found a way to make it impossible for his sister to deny anymore that he was a man. He would prove. He would prove them all. He would…

He would do all of this later, because when he opened the door to leave, Dori was there, her fist raised as if to knock.

Ori froze on the spot. He wasn’t ready to face his sister again. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready to face her again. The entirety of his plan had rested on not seeing her again, but she was there, her hair a mess as if she’d braided it too fast. This worried Ori. His sister never left the house with her hair looking anything but perfect.

“May I come in?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

“It’s not my house, I don’t know if I can let you in,” Ori grunted, and immediately regretted it. “Sorry. You can come in. But don’t get your hopes too high, there’s nothing you can say that will make me want to come home.”

“I know,” Dori said softly. “I… I have been visited by king Thorin, and we have talked a lot about you. I think I should apologize. I never realized… I thought you were only trying to get at me. I thought you were acting like Nori, doing annoying things for the sake of it. But this… this is just who you are, isn’t it?”

It was morning and Ori had slept well, but he felt tired right then. He didn’t want to be having this conversation at this moment. He just wanted things to be easy, and to be accepted as who he was without having to fight for it again. He was tired of fighting. But if Dori wanted to make an effort… he could give her a last chance. He hated her at times, but he still loved her, and she deserved a last chance.

Another one.

So Ori led her to the kitchen in silence, let her sit on a chair while he took one on the other side of the table, and waited. He had said what he had to say, more than once, and he was tired of repeating himself, so it was her turn to talk.

“I never meant to hurt you,” Dori said after a moment, when the silence had become unbearable. “I only wanted to protect you... I thought you were turning out to be like Nori, and I didn't want...”

“How could being a boy make me be like Nori? It doesn't even make sense!”

“Only because you weren't there when we were young. Nori was... he wasn't always _this_ bad,” Dori sighed. “But he never liked to stay for long in one place, never managed to keep a job for more than a couple weeks before he got bored... and after a while, people stopped giving him jobs entirely. He was still good at everything he felt like doing, but people didn't trust him because he wasn't... he wasn't normal, and people don't like that. I don't want people to treat you like they treated him.”

Ori clenched his fists.

“I'm a boy. I'm a man. How is that not normal?”

“You didn't act like a boy, or talk like one, I was afraid...”

“And I was afraid too!” Ori exploded. “I was afraid of you, all the time! When I started living as a boy at master Reuel's, I hid it from you because I was afraid! And when I came back here, I was afraid to tell you! And then when you barely tolerated me, I was still afraid of you, because I didn't know when you'd... when you'd do exactly what you actually did yesterday! I was terrified of you and I'm not _supposed_ to be scared of you!”

Through the tears he couldn't contain, he saw Dori rise from her chair. She tried to come and hug him, but he pushed her away. Thorin had said that he wouldn't force Ori to go back with his sister unless it was on his own terms, but Thorin wasn't there, and it would be too easy to give in to Dori if he wasn't careful. This was supposed to be her last chance, not his.

“I'll die if you make me live like a girl,” Ori sobbed, begged, threatened. “I'll die or I'll leave, but you won't keep me like this, never again.”

“I won't do it again,” Dori whispered. “I didn't see... I thought you were just trying to be like Nori, I did not realize... Ori, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you... I'm sorry I hurt you, never again... I promise, Ori, I promise you, never again... I can't lose you.”

This time Ori let her pull him in her arms. They both ended on the floor somehow, clinging to each other and crying, Dori repeating again and again that she'd never meant to hurt him, that she'd never do it again, and Ori wanted to believe her. It might be a mistake, and maybe in less than a week she'd go back to pushing him to wear dresses... but he needed to give her another chance. A last chance.

And if it still didn't work, this time he knew he could ask Thorin for help.

  
  


But Thorin's help was not needed in the end.

When they went home, Dori asked what they should do about his old dresses. When Ori claimed there were a few he wanted to modify and gift to Kili, Dori looked ready to say something... but she caught herself in time, and suggested he sort them out on his own while she went to see if they still had some of Nori's clothes for him. And that was the closest they got to a real incident. The rest was only small mistakes that she immediately corrected. Dori was trying, though it was clear she still didn't fully understand... but Dwalin said she'd talked to him about it, as well as to Dis and Balin. Whatever answers they had given her must have helped.

More than once though, Dori stared at him with a queer expression, as if she were trying to figure out something. But every time Ori asked her what was wrong, she just shook her head, smiled, and went back to what she was doing.

“Maybe she's starting to see you as a boy,” Kili suggested when he told her. “It's not so easy to change years of habits. It... it wasn't so easy for me to see you as a boy either at first, because I was so used to the idea of you as a girl. But now, the idea of anyone thinking of you as a woman is a little ridiculous, because it's so obvious to me that you're not one. She just needs time.”

Ori nodded, not entirely convinced, and resumed pining the bits he needed to modify on Kili's dress. He didn't want to contradict her. He still felt guilty about abandoning her with Dori. The princess had assured him more than once that she wasn't angry, that she'd probably have done the same... but she wasn't above using his guilt sometimes, mostly to get kisses. Ori didn't mind. He didn't need excuses to want to kiss her, but he wasn't about to refuse if he was given one.

“Speaking of family... uncle spoken to my parents about... us,” Kili sighed, and Ori froze. “He said it's too early to know what will come out of it, but apparently we have his blessing.”

“Your mother must be thrilled.”

“It's that we could be courting that bothers her the most,” Kili admitted. “I mean, you're not what she dreamed of for me... not that I'd ever have wanted what she dreamed of for me. But the real problem is that you're encouraging me on the path of weirdness. Turning me into a girl and all that.”

Checking his pins one last time, Ori motioned for her to spin on herself a little, which Kili did with a smile that shone like the sun.

“I'm not turning you into anything,” he claimed, moving to modify something on her back. “You are what you are. I just love you the way you are, as they should.”

Kili fell silent for a moment.

“You love me?” she eventually asked.

Ori blushed, and didn't answer straight away. He hadn't really meant to say that out loud. He'd thought he was still trying to figure out what it was exactly he felt for her... but apparently his mouth was more confident in this matter than his brain, and now that the words were said, he knew them to be true.

“Yes. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replied, turning slightly to kiss his cheek. “And I'll love you even more once that dress is at my size.”

“Now it sounds like I'm buying your affection.”

Kili laughed, and smirked. “I'd rather say I'm taking advantage of your feelings, really,” she teased. “Beside, the quicker that dress is ready...”

“Yes?”

“The quicker you can help me remove it.”

That was indeed a rather amazing motivation. Ori had never been more than decent at sewing, but before the middle of the afternoon, his work on the dress was done.

  
  


When he went home that night, Ori felt like the entire world could look at him and know exactly what had happened in Kili's bedroom. He was almost sure that Dori had least would guess, and that she'd scold him for it because it probably wasn't very proper (though really, it wasn't like either of them might get with child), but she didn't seem to notice, even though his hair was a mess and he'd buttoned back his tunic a little hastily when they'd heard Dis's steps coming in the house.

“Did you have a nice time with the princess?” Dori asked distractedly, stirring her stew.

“Very nice,” Ori replied, his cheeks burning. “She, uh. She loves the dress a lot.”

“How nice. Well, this needs to cook for a while now... what would you say about a cup of tea while we wait, hm?”

And that was stranger than Dori not noticing that he looked like he'd been having a little too much fun with Kili. It was far too close to dinner to be having tea, at least according to Dori's usual rules. For her to suggest such a thing was... strange. Worrying. Ori was not in the mood for tea, not at all, but he agreed anyway.

“I've been thinking a lot lately,” Dori said as she served him some of her best tea, the one she usually kept for when someone important visited. “About a lot of things. And I think... I think I have a story to tell you. The story of a friend of mine, a girl I knew when I lived in Erebor.”

Ori nodded politely and smiled, but Dori was starring at her cup and did not seem to notice it.

“That girl was nothing special,” she said. “Her father had died when she was still young, and she lived in the mountain with her mother. They were happy, and the girl lived a very sheltered life. But then the dragon came. The girl survived. Her mother did not. The girl ended up alone, with no family and few friends, and she... found herself in dubious company. Taking lovers because it seemed like a fun thing to do, and...”

“Is this a cautionary tale?” Ori interrupted, suddenly wondering if his sister hadn't noticed things after all. “Because if it is, I know how the making of babies happen, and I know I'm with someone who can't get me with child, and as far as we know we don't have diseases, so...”

“It's not a _tale_ ,” Dori assured him. “It is a true story. And your tea is getting cold.”

Since it was a crime to waste any of her best tea, Ori quickly took a few sips, and waited for the story to resume.

“Some of the girl's... flings were more serious than others. At one point she met a boy... they had nothing in common, but they were both lonely and alone, and they fancied themselves in love. They lived together for almost a year, and were already starting to fall apart when the girl discovered that she was pregnant. The boy offered to marry her, but the girl refused. They were both very young still... younger than you are now. Just children who had played at being adults. And the boy was... he was not a bad sort, but he was starting to keep bad company sometimes, because he was too odd for decent dwarves. The girl did not want her child to have a criminal father... and she did not want her child to be a bastard either.”

Dori paused, and emptied her cup of tea, to give herself courage.

“So she came up with a plan,” Dori explained. “Her mother was dead, she knew it, but others could doubt it. In the earlier years, no one really knew who had survived and who had not, it was... easy to pretend that someone had survived longer than they really had. So the girl decided she would go to whatever distant relatives she could find, introduce her child as her sister, and live like that. It was a good plan, and the only problem was that the child's father wanted to see the little one grow. They had many arguments about it... he threatened sometimes to steal the baby if the girl did not let him visit her... so in the end, the girl had to find a compromise. She told people her daughter was her sister, and that the sire was her brother. And even those who _knew_ she'd been an only child did not ask why she suddenly had a brother the same age as her. They were kind to that strange family. And the girl... did her best to be a good sister, since she could not be a good mother.”

At last, Dori looked up from her cup. But now Ori was avoiding her eyes.

He'd known for a long time that things... that his family wasn't exactly what he'd always been told. He'd thought sometimes that only Nori was his brother, and that Dori was a cousin who'd taken them in. He'd thought... he didn't know what he'd thought. Not this, though. The idea of Dori and Nori having been lovers once... it was odd to say the least. They disliked each other so much, and the only thing they'd ever had in common was... him, he supposed.

“It's a sad story,” he hesitantly commented. “The girl must have been sad to have to sacrifice her life for a kid like that.”

“It's not sad at all,” Dori warmly replied. “The girl had always wanted to have children. It happened earlier than she would have liked, and not the way she had dreamed of... but from the first moment she held her child, she knew she would not regret this. And the boy did not regret it either, for the record. Things were not always easy, but he loved his child more than anything. The girl couldn't never deny that. And she... she made mistakes sometimes. Often. But all she ever wanted was to make her child happy, and she... she tried to learn from her mistakes. She really did.”

“I think... I think her child must have been happy then,” Ori assured her, taking his sister's hand and squeezing it gently. “Maybe not always, maybe he was sad at times, but... I think he must have known he was loved, and I think he must have been happy that his... _sister_ was trying. I know I would be if it were me.”

Dori squeezed his hand back, her eyes shining with the threat of tears... but she was Dori, and rather than to be seen crying, she quickly stood up, grumbling about her stew that was about to burn, and then what would they eat? Ori laughed at that. That story changed everything, and yet it was all still the same after all. Dori still fussed. Nori, when he'd come home, would still encourage him to be a little wilder.

Everything was changed, and everything was the same, because they were still his family. The only difference was that he now knew who they really were, just as they'd learned to accept who he was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very sorry about the rather rushed ending  
> I've had this fic as a wip for a very, very, very long time. More than a year, in fact. And I wanted it to be finished. And now it is. Thanks to everyone who read it. Sorry to everyone who waited for the updates. Very sorry to people who hoped for a better ending than this...


End file.
